Competition 101

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"Competition 101"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 535
2011
Original Upload date August 1, 2011
Running time 0:03:02
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Wink submitted by
Featured Clones
Episode chronology
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"Meteor!"
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"Pant"

Video

Transcript

[talking really fast] Fastest intro ever!
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro starts but is interrupted]
I know I can do faster. How about this? Start over.
[Title on screen: starting over...]
Fastest!
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro starts but is interrupted]
Nah! One m... I'm a little... We can do a little better.
[Title on screen: starting over...]
[A picture flashes quickly on screen. Craig is making a funny face. Text on screen: FASTEST INTRO EVAAAR!!!!!]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Yes! I did it! That was a one-frame intro! The fastest possible intro you could ever have if you have an intro. If you don't have an intro, then your intro is super quick!
Things that don't exist do exist. They're just really fast. [These words appear beside Craig as he says them: Things that don't exist do exist. They're just really fast. - Craig Benzine]
See? Caught a unicorn!
So it has been said many times by me that I'm a perfect human being. And as a perfect human being, I have a healthy amount of competitiveness.
The most healthy!
Not too much. Not too little.
The most not too little! Unless the competition is to have the least. Then I have the most least.
So a healthy amount of competition is a good thing, because it motivates you. Because it sets the bar for you to go over. [Picture of a high jumper.] Or under. [Graphic of a figure playing limbo.] Or lift. [Weight.] Or have. [Gold bars.] Or pass. [Picture about acing the bar exam.] Or eat. [Candy bar.] Or...
If you have nothing to compare yourself to, why even try? That's why I created competitive clone.
[Craig stands sort of near the alligator pit. Competitive clone stands beside him.]
[Craig:] On the count of three, let's see who jumps the farthest. 1... 2... 3... [Craig starts walking towards camera as Competitive clone takes a giant leap... into the alligator pit. Alligator munches. Text on screen: I WIN at staying alive!]
Without competition, I would be way less awesome.
Still more awesome than you, though!
If there were no other videos ever on the internet, there'd be no competition. My videos would be like this.
[Craig sits shirtless, in standard definition, flipped background behind him:] Hey, 'sup losers? [Blows a raspberry] Ha ha! That was funny. You know what else is funny? [Blows raspberry] Still! Ha ha! Yeah! Hey, now it's time to see how much olive oil I can drink. [untwists cap on bottle of olive oil]
[back to this reality]
So basically I'd just be myself.
Before I had my detachable roof installed, my throwing bar was set at the ceiling. I was all [throws something upwards. It hits ceiling.] I just hit the ceiling! As far as you can throw! That only took me about three years. And a couple of ruined relationships.
Baby, they don't make houses big enough to fit me, you, and my dreams. [Text on screen: best breakup line evar!]
But now that I have my detachable roof, I can throw a lot farther. [Shot of sky above Craig's apartment.] But there's no bar set. There's no reason. [Shot of sky again. Eagle flies into frame. Ominous music plays. Craig looks up. Shot of eagle. Slow mo of Craig:] Eagle!! [He throws something into the sky, where an "eagle bar" dotted line now appears just above the eagle. The stuffed animal surpasses that line and falls downward. Applause. In slow mo, Craig celebrates] Oh yeah! Yes! [??] eagle! Woo! [slow mo stops mid-woo] I think the coffee's done. I love it when the coffee's done! [Runs past couch towards kitchen and turns around.] Oh my god! [dives onto couch] New couch! [poses it on a few times] New couch! New couch! New couch! [Gets up and runs into kitchen but stops suddenly.] Zoinks!
[Three clones at the table turn around. One is on a Toshiba laptop.]
Revenge Clone? [Revenge Clone, at the computer, about to take a sip of coffee, looks at Craig.]
Sexy Clone?
[Sexy Clone is on the phone:] Baby, I been meaning to call. Now you got all the time in the world to talk to m... [notices Craig] Oh. I gotta go. [hangs up]
Quiet Clone who are you trying to talk to?
[Quiet Clone mumbles in reply.]
[Craig shakes his head:] I... I can't...
[Revenge Clone:] DonorsChoose dot org, an online organization connecting you to classrooms in need.
[Craig:] What are you doing with that dinosaur of a laptop? Looks like it's three years old. Psh.
[Revenge Clone:] Stole it from a child in a classroom in need.
[Quiet Clone looks pissed.]
[Revenge Clone:] Oh come on! What's a child gonna do with a laptop? Besides pee and chew on it?
[Craig:] I think you're thinking of a dog.
[Revenge Clone:] Well, someone was a perfect child.
[Craig:] I bet you that money I can compute faster than you with this! [Suddenly holds up another Toshiba laptop. Revenge Clone scoffs. Craig rubs his nose.] I hit myself in the face a little bit.
[Craig talks to camera:] To see the rest of this video, go to amazon dot com slash intel. If the video gets 200,000 views by August 31st, Intel will donate 25 thousand dollars to donorschoose dot org and help bring technology to classrooms.
[Revenge Clone:] That's no way to get people to watch. You gotta use fear! [looks at camera] Watch the video or Quiet Clone gets it!
[Craig:] You're going down in an epic competition.
[Quiet Clone mumbles quietly:] Oh snap!
[Revenge Clone pretends to be scared:] Oooh!
[Sexy Clone:] Girls like a man who flghts for his honor. [His phone rings. He answers.] I'll pencil you in. I'll pencil... how about... are you free in September? Alright. Just wait around for me, 'kay?

Continue here

Competition 101 (continued)

Recurring elements

Craig quotes, Competitive clone, alligator pit, removable roof, eagle, "I love it when the coffee's done!", new couch, Revenge clone, Sexy clone, Quiet clone

Firsts

This is the first appearance of Competitive clone.

External links

Competition 101 on YouTube