[slides in/singing rug]
[A voice replies:] Hello!
[Craig jumps back in surprise:] What the...? [Looks around, freaked out. Slowly raises a pair of scissors.]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Speech impediment guy:] Why you dwessed up today Wheezy Waitoe?
'Cause it looks good. Now shut up!
[Speech impediment guy:] Okay Wheezy Waitoe.
In the comments, aqipskwo wrote [shows comment] this guy should stop putting his face so close to the camera.
Thank you for the suggestion, aqipisskwo. [Extreme closeup] I'll make sure to comply with your sensible request. [Extreme closeup of his mouth] It's constructive criticism like yours [even closer] that will keep me on my toes [even closer to his lips] and take me out of my comfort zone. [Black screen with title: inside wheezy's head] And that's a good thing to do for any healthy [shot of kitchen door] creative endeavor. Wait... what? [Pans camera back to him] Did the camera just go right through me?
So, in honor of WikiLeaks [shows article] listing sites key to US security, which I think is great - sarcasm - I've decided to show my solidarity with the US by listing sites vital to my security.
That window there. [The word "window" appears onscreen with an arrow pointing to the window.] That door that I close sometimes. [The word "door" appears onscreen with an arrow pointing to the kitchen door.] And my guns. [Holds up his arm and the word "guns" appears with an arrow pointing to his bicep.] Oh yeah! And my bunker buried two miles below the ground [the word "bunker" appears with an arrow pointing downwards] which houses 400 intercontinental ballistic missiles, four tanks, two 747s, and an H bomb in a pear tree. By in a pear tree, I mean aimed at the sun. [The angry sun enters the apartment and looms over Craig.] Just kidding, just kidding, just kidding, just kidding. [The sun retreats. Craig mouthes the words "I'm not kidding" to camera.]
So in other news, [sniffs the air] So, in other... [sniffs again] So, in... [sniffs] So [sniffs] S... [sniffs] I think the coffee's done. [Digital zoom] I love it when the coffee's done! Digital zoom to the coffee! [Craig walks towards kitchen. Turns to camera. Digital zoom. He smiles. Walks into kitchen. Digital zoom. He smiles. He runs to coffee maker. Digital zoom to the coffee pot as he pours coffee. Craig bends down so his face is in frame and smiles. Sits back down.] Ahhhh.... [Digital zoom to him about to sip coffee.] You can stop digital zooming now. [Digital zoom] Stop it!
Speaking of getting out of your comfort zone, remember when I spoke about that way back at the beginning of this video? Think about it. Well, a man really got out of his comfort zone [shows article] when he fell off the platform onto the tracks while waiting for the train in Spain. In the rain. It might have been raining. It was underground. And an off-duty cop got out of his comfortable off-duty-ness... is that gross?... when he got down onto the tracks and saved the man just before the train was about to hit him. Link in the doobly-doo. There's a video.
Reminds me of the first time a clone fell into the alligator pit. [Ripple effect to black and white footage.]
[Craig is talking as a clone cleans the side of the fridge behind him.]
[Craig:] So in the news today, Lindsay Lohan is a bigtime drunk. Pause for comic effect.
[Clone turns and looks into alligator pit, leaning over it:] Oh, it looks like we gotta buy some more food for the alligator. [yells as he falls into the alligator pit]
[Craig:] Oh no! [Craig runs towards the alligator pit. The alligator growls and Craig falls to his knees and starts sobbing.] No! No! No!
[Clone:] Hey, I think I can climb out.
[Craig, still sobbing:] No, it's okay. I've already come to terms with your death.
[Craig sobs as the alligator starts munching.]
[back to present time]
And to this day, I can proudly say I have never killed a clone...
[Clone walks into frame:] All done with chores.
[Craig:] ...on accident. Get to the alligator pit now please on purpose!
[Voice of cameraman:] Hey! [Toddler turns to camera, giggles, and blinks/winks (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
Guess what? I'm in a band called Driftless Pony Club. We're based here in Chicago, and we're going on a tour. In March. The dates aren't set yet, but we plan to go south and east coast style. So if you live in this region [shows a map of the US and highlights the right half of the map] and you want us to come to a city that's near you, let us know on our Facebook page, on Twitter, on our website, and you can go to Eventful dot com and vote for us to come to your city. All of these links are doobly-dooed, of course. So let us know about cities and good venues near you. It's gonna be awesome! Oh, the light went on when I did that. The light just randomly got brighter when I said 'awesome.' It's a sign. This is destiny. Or something. I don't know. Now it got dark again. What? I'm confused.
singing rug, beardlovers, speech impediment guy, comments, headlines, angry sun, "I love it when the coffee's done!", doobly-doo, clone, alligator pit, wink, Driftless Pony Club (DPC)
Comfort Zone on YouTube