[Wheezy walks into frame]
Hey beardlovers. [Spins with his arms outstretched while music plays.] I got a haircut.
[wheezywaiter chips and salsa intro can be seen (but not heard) under the July calendar intro. 'Wheezy Waiter Takes On July... ...5 days a week... ... Today is 'Sometimes Monday'...' An original theme song plays over the intro.]
Thanks for the song, Chase.
[extreme closeup of top of Wheezy's head] I like to show off my male pattern baldness.
There are many different reasons to be bald.
You can be bald to be a bad-ass. [Picture of Bruce Willis.] Or batshit crazy. [Picture of Britney Spears getting her head shaved] Or our country's mascot. [Picture of an eagle.] Or you could be aww [baby talk gibberish]. [Picture of a baby.] But if you have male pattern baldness like me, it's better to embrace it. Otherwise this might happen. [Pictures of awful combovers (and a baby and a dog) set to Christina Aguilera singing "Come on over, baby"]
According to the internet, [reading article:] "adults lose about 10,000 scalp hairs each and every day." Oh that reminds me. My daily sweep. [sweeping and counting hairs on the floor] 1... 2.... 3, 4, 5.... 6, 7.... 8... oh no that's a beard hair. 9... 10... elev... no, that's an ass hair. 12. What is that? There's hair growing out of that hair.
So there's a lot of perverted comments going on.
independent wants me to make out with myself. matt wants me to give me a hickey. tj wants me to shave my beard.
Yeah right, TJ. I'm not getting rid of this thick gorgeous man forest. [A clone rises up behind Wheezy with a razor. Wheezy turns and sees him.] Get away! [Clone leaves.]
And anonymous wants me to give each of me a necktie.
[Wheezy and clone sit side by side.]
These are all very fun and silly ideas.... [The clone gazes at Craig. Craig notices his gaze and asks him:] What are you looking at?
[Craig laughs a little. The clone raises his eyebrows and quickly lunges at Wheezy. Screen goes to black with the word 'Censored' on it while Jay-Z's song "Heart of the City" plays.]
[Wheezy and clone are again side by side. Wheezy appears to have a hickey on his neck.]
[Craig:] I can't believe you just gave me a hickey.
[The clone smiles, very satisfied with himself.]
[Craig:] I guess let's put neckties on. [Craig puts a necktie on the clone. The clone ties a bandana around Craig's neck. They both smile for the camera.]
[Craig:] That was fun.
Remember to help me end my videos by sending in winks. Take it away, Virginia.
[wheezywaiter dot com outro]
[Outtake: The clone rises up from below frame with a razor in his hand, extends razor, withdraws it quickly, and turns to leave.]
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