[Wheezy sleeping in bed. Alarm goes off, playing "What's Love Got To Do With It" (Tina Turner's version). Craig turns off alarm. Yawns. Gets out of bed. Getting dressed:] Big day. You're going to nail this one. [Puts on his sportscoat. Mimes something. In the bathroom checking himself in the mirror:] You got this. You got this. You hear me? You got it. Confidence. [putting a tie on] Confidence. [He mimes something again, smiling widely. Takes a bowl out of the cupboard. Outside now, Wheezy walks up to a pile of snow with a shovel and the bowl. He puts bowl on the ground, shovels snow, and puts the shovel-load of snow into the bowl. Picks up the bowl of snow and walks towards the building.]
[slides in/singing rug] [Smiling, he picks up the bowl of snow and turns it over on the top of his head as snow falls down onto his shoulders.]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Oh hey beardlovers. [wiping his chair] Just cleaning up my intro. Oh! Going down my buttcrack.
So in the news today, Coke's secret formula has been revealed. No, not cocaine, druggie! No, not Lee Iacocca [picture of Lee Iacocca], CEO enthusiast! Though I can understand why he'd come to mind. I mean, look at the guy. He appeals directly to my core demographic. [Three pictures appear on the screen. Two of Iacocca and one of Justin Bieber.] Which one of these isn't him? You can't tell, can you? You can't tell.
No I'm talking about Coca Cola, the soft drink. The drink that is soft. So you'd think, but the bubbles burn. The bubbles burn.
[Reading from article:] "Producers of the radio program This American Life came across an article on the history of Coca-Cola in an old copy of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution" courier chronicle weekly slash monthly slash quarterly herald tribune journal. I said journal already. [continues reading:] "Coca-Cola's hometown newspaper." A photo used to illustrate the story had the recipe right on it. I guess it's time to go into the soft drink business.
The original recipe has been known for a while. I've had that sitting right here on my desk. [Shows a glass with some liquid and a spoon in it to the camera.] For years. Waiting for this occasion. Well, I didn't have all the ingredients so I took some short cuts. [Title on screen: coffee, soymilk, soy sauce] It's the secret 7x flavor that has now been revealed. Let's add it in. 8 ounces alcohol. Okay. [Pours Jim Beam into the glass.] Orange oil? I don't have that, but I got some olive oil so... [adds olive oil to the glass] there we go. Lemon oil? Hmm. [pours more olive oil into glass] Nutmeg oil. [pours more olive oil into glass]. Coriander? Don't have that but got some spinach. What's the diff? [puts spinach leaf into glass] Neroli? I don't know what that is but I don't know what this is either. [holds up a little plastic container of some red liquidy something] so here we go. [Pours it into his drink] Cinnamon. Also don't know what that is. [pours in more of the red stuff]. Alright, mix it up. Moment of truth. [takes a sip] Mmm. Wow. The resemblance is uncanny. [audience laughter] Haha! Get it? It's not in a can. Seriously, that's really awful. I think I'm going to throw up. [Audience laughter and applause continue].
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[holding up the glass] Now I will chug this entire thing. For real. [Opens mouth. Holds glass up towards mouth. Holds another glass up underneath his mouth. Pours the mixture from one glass into the other.] The other glass isn't in frame, right? It's not in frame. Right? What? Oh, I shouldn't be talking? Oh yeah. Glug glug. Glug glug glug. Glug glug. Whew. Mmm. That was good. [looks down] It's on my pants.
singing rug, beardlovers, headlines, laugh track, wink
The song on Wheezy's alarm clock is a reference to his previous video For the Love of Day.
Coca-Cola Recipe Revealed! on YouTube