[slides in/Celine Dion-singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Still in Canada. Did you know that Canada has a secret island? That's right. Up until now it's been cloaked from satellite imagery. But the government wants to reveal it. Here's a live feed of the satellite image of Canada. The island is about to be revealed. Oh! There it is! There... EXPLOSION! [The island explodes.] They shouldn't have decided to reveal it on a Wednesday.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
It's WEDNESDAY WEDNESDAY EXPLOSION WEDNESDAY! Canadian style! Maybe. If it's a thing. Which I'm not sure about yet. I'll keep you posted.
[shows article] Canada Post facility evacuated after apparent furnace EXPLOSION.
It's stories like this that give explosions a bad name. It wasn't the explosion that caused the evacuation. It was the resulting flames. What if someone committed arson at the same time as the explosion? Correlation does not equal causation.
Explosions do tend to lead to fire but you shouldn't always buy into stereotypes. That's the moral of the EXPLOSION. [Craig pats the side of his face which is on fire after the explosion.] Ow!
Did you know that Canadians invented the carbon dioxide LASER? [shows Wikipedia article] The highest-power continuous wave LASERS that are currently available? [shows picture] See? It's that awesome thing right there. Not that. [Arrow points to flame.] That's fire. I don't know who invented that. That was probably the USA. Maybe Donald Trump. You're fired! Get it?
The laser's used for things like... [laser shoots across screen. Craig ducks.] What are you doing?
[Corey, holding laser gun:] I was just showing you my Canadian carbon dioxide laser. Every Canadian has one. [Smiles at camera. His glinting smile dings.]
In other explosion news [shows article] antimatter atoms held captive by physicists.
Wait a second. There's something weird about these people. [zooms in on picture of physicists that accompanies article] They look so happy. Nonchalant. Helpful. They're Canadian.
[reads from article] 13 of the 42 researchers involved in the discovery were from Canada.
Ah ha! I got you! What am I trying to get you for? Oh yeah, I'm not.
Those scientists at TRIUMF, Canada's National Laboratory for Particle and Nuclear Physics, were able to isolate a bunch of anti-matter, which is hard to do because when antimatter [makes a fist] comes in contact with matter [makes another fist] it's ANNIHILATED. [Explosion as he pounds fists together] Kinda like when toast comes in contact with me. [Holds up a piece of toast. Shoves it in his mouth making nomming sounds. Rubs it on his face too. Chews.] I eat too much. Not that my physique matters. Scarlett Johansson's married. When's she gonna break up with that ugly Canadian Ryan Reynolds? So ugly. She'll realize it soon.
In pop culture news, People Magazine names its sexiest man alive. [shows article] Ryan Reynolds. Ugh! Grrr! Urrrrrg!
Notice how it says alive? [In headline, the word "alive" is highlighted.] EXPLOSION! [Explosion on Ryan Reynold's face.] Agh, he's still alive. That's probably good. Murder's not a good idea. But wait [shot of picture of Ryan Reynolds again] oh, he's still sexy too! At least I have my clones. Oh, that reminds me. Hey clone, come here.
[A clone slides in/Celine Dion rug]
[Clone:] Hey! What's up?
[Craig:] I forgot to book a flight home for you so you're gonna have to get to the alligator pit. Oh, I didn't bring the alligator pit. Hey, Corey!
[Corey smiles at the camera, holding his laser gun. His smile glints and dings.]
[Craig:] Could you hit my clone here with the carbon dioxide laser?
[Corey:] Okay. Sure thing. [He cocks his laser gun.]
[Craig, to his clone:] Ah, I'm almost jealous . You're gonna know what it's like to be hit by a laser.
[Clone:] Yeah, that's really cool. [slides out/Celine Dion rug and runs away]
[Corey zips up his heavy jacket and takes off in pursuit.]
[Clone opens door and runs outside:] Cold! [Runs. Corey is not far behind. The clone runs down the street. Corey chases him. The clone keeps running but stops in front of Tim Hortons. Corey runs up.]
[Clone:] I give up. It's too cold. Shoot me.
[Corey:] Should've bundled up. It's Canada outside. [Shoots the clone with his laser gun. The clone disappears.] I'm sorry. [Looks up at the Tim Hortons] I hope the coffee's done. [Goes into the Tim Hortons]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
Hello again. It's me, Wheezy Waiter. You may remember me from such things as everything before the closing credit of this video.
Remember that video I did with Morgan the Orabrush tongue, and I told you to leave a comment telling Morgan what he should call his audience? And whoever suggested the one that was picked would get an iPod Touch? Well, they've decided on OraBuds or OraBuddies, and here are the people that suggested that. [A list of usernames] Notice the numbers next to them? Well, I'm gonna go to random.org and have it choose a number from 1 to 26. Here goes. This is exciting. Clicking on "Generate." 18. The winner is iBallCreature. Yaaay! You get an iPod Touch.
Well, I did another video with Morgan the Orabrush tongue. Here's a clip.
[Action sequence of Craig shooting some bad guys.]
[The tongue:] How'd it go?
[Craig:] Got 'em!
Yeah! It's awesome. I'm an action hero now. Click here to watch it. [points to annotation] And we're giving away two pairs of Wheezy shoes. Go leave a comment that's a critical analysis of that video. Don't mention the shoes. And what we think is the best critical analysis will win. That's two winners.
[extreme closeup of Craig's eyes] Why is my eye so red? EXPLOSION! [Now both of his eyes are red. Really red.] That didn't help.
singing rug, beardlovers, Explosion Wednesday, headlines, dinging glinting smile, Scarlett Johansson, clone, alligator pit, wink, Orabrush, Wheezy shoe
Clones, Lasers, and Antimatter, Oh My! on YouTube