[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. I wanna tell you a story about something that happened to me earlier today but I'll tell you after the intro. [Pause as Craig waits for the intro.] Oh yeah, I also.. EXPLOSION!
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So here's the story. [Music plays as Craig's voiceover tells the story and Craig enacts it and mouthes the words that the voiceover says.] So a little while ago I was looking to your left, and then I turned to the camera and waved, and then I said, It's WEDNESDAY WEDNESDAY EXPLOSION WEDNESDAY! Maybe. I don't know if it should be a thing or not. I don't know.
Then I read [shows article] some awesome news about how the first commercial spacecraft just landed. Does this mean we can all go into space someday soon? Freaking awesome! Ridiculous awesometastic! Yeah! Watermelon watermelon sniffle sniffle.
Apparently it cost 400 million dollars. And I was like, psssssssshhhh. Pssshhh [other sounds] pssssshhhh. I can do it with four explosions and a clone!
[Walks into kitchen] Hey clone! Let me explode you into space!
[Clone sitting at kitchen table:] No!
[Craig makes a frustrated noise.]
[Clone:] No! [but actually the clone mouthed "*Ding* you."]
[Craig:] What rhymes with mess?
[Clone:] Uh, less?
[Craig:] Say yes!
[Clone:] No way Jose!
[Craig:] That's racist.
[Clone:] No that's rhyme-ist.
[Craig:] Is it?
[Craig:] You said yes. You're going to space. [Throw pens at the clone. A big explosion and the clone's not there anymore. Craig looks upward.]
I threw a bunch of pens at him, and he exploded. But he went into the time machine.
[Craig:] Oh crapasaurus! [Craig who's doing the enacting just said "Oh crap." Looks at camera. The voiceover correct himself:] I... I mean just crap.
[shows picture from article] He must've traveled to two days ago and flew over Atlanta because someone put video up on YouTube. And I was, like, Noooooooo! [Craig who's doing the enacting mouthes a brief "No" a couple of times, looks confused, looks at camera for a second and enacts his "no" in a more extended fashion.]
I had to go get him before they found him and discovered it was me. And then the government found out and then I would've gotten in big trouble. [Craig holds up his wrist like he's checking the time] Okay, run.
I ran outside for a while but then I realized it was super cold. I hate Chicago in the winter! Hate hate hate! Love. Hate! It's complicated. You know, it looks pretty and stuff. [shows map] And Atlanta was, um, 700 miles away? I had to get back. It was cold. I'd been outside for 30 seconds. What if I froze to death? Idea!
[Runs while explosions happen beside him:} EXPLOSION! EXPLOSION! EXPLOSION! EXPLOSION! EXPLOSION!
[A man who Craig just passed runs up to him:] Hey! What do you think you're doing?!
[Man:] Did you just explode me?!!!
[Craig:] No, no....
[Man:] I'm pretty sure you did! [Turns and shows his back, which is on fire.]
[Man:] Now I'm gonna call the Fire Department! GAAAH!!! [runs away]
[Craig continues towards home:] EXPLOSION! EXPLOSION! EXPLOSION! EXPLOSION!
Got back and felt all warm and stuff. [Leans back in his chair and sighs] Ahhhh. But then...
[Clone enters:] Hey! You made me a fireball flying over Atlanta in the past! I hate flying! I hate fire! I hate the past! And I hate... actually, Atlanta's pretty nice. I went to this Italian place downtown. Had some pretty decent breadsticks. And good coffee. But no free refills!
[Craig:] Hey... listen.... cue sentimental music. [Sentimental music starts playing] If I would've known, I never would've...
[Clone:] Spare me! [Jumps into alligator pit] Oh sweet death! [Alligator munches.]
And then it occurred to me that everything has a way of working out. I'd never ever have to worry about EXPLOSION!
[Craig who's been enacting everything:] Ouch!
[Voiceover:] Hehe. You suck, me from the past. [Craig gets up and leaves the frame] Wait, where are you... where are you going? Don't... don't... [cut to present Craig who's been telling the story:] don't go the time machine! No!
[Past Craig enters the frame:] You're a horrible narrator! [throws exploding pen at Craig, which doesn't explode. Craig throws pen at Past Craig. It explodes and Craig grabs his face.]
Hahaha. [Past Craig leaves] Ouch. [Craig's face turns red. Really really red.] That one still kinda hurts.
I guess the lesson here is... explosions past may still burn you today. I think. It's hard for me to follow the logic of what just happened.
[James runs down the sidewalk, his back on fire:] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [Comes back to camera. Winks (ding). Takes off yelling again.] AAAAAAAAAA!
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
Hey, remember that big time action time shoot 'em up video I did with the OraBrush people? If you don't remember, you better should probably should watch it by clicking here. [points to annotation] And remember there was that comment contest to see who had the best critical analysis of the video? Well, these were the chosen comments. Congratulations, iambarracuda and runningbum [actually rummingbum]. You get free pairs of Wheezy shoes. My shirt's off to you. EXPLOSION! [He's not wearing his sweater anymore.] That's right. The expression is 'My hat's off to you.' EXPLOSION! [Now his head is gone.] Oh that's right. I wasn't wearing a hat. How am I talking right now?
singing rug, beardlovers, Explosion Wednesday, headlines, clone, exploding pens, time travel, alligator pit, wink, Orabrush, Wheezy shoe
Clone in Space on YouTube