Clone in Love

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"Clone in Love"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 445
2011
Original Upload date January 6, 2011
Running time 0:04:41
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro video game outro
Wink submitted by 47dantheman
Featured Clones
Episode chronology
← Previous
"Types of Explosions/Win an iPad!"
Next →
"How to be a Hero"

Video

Transcript

[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. So [shows article] John Edwards was left out of Elizabeth Edwards' will. And John's all, What? What'd I do wrong? Let me check the list. [reads from list] Say I love you, send flowers often, compromise, work out the abs, maintain perfect hair, make jokes, be attentive to the kids... wait... there's a fold in this list. Don't impregnate other women when my wife is bedridden with cancer. Doh! Is that how you spell bedridden? [licks the tip of the pen] Does that actually do anything? [licks pen again]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So today is January 6th. I'd be surprised if all the other YouTubers aren't talking about it too. The birthday of [starts talking in an old-timey accent:] old Jedediah Smith. [reading from Wikipedia, in the same old-timey accent:] "Jedediah Strong Smith was a hunter, a trapper, a fur trader, a trailblazer.
[sniffs the air] Wait, I think the coffee's done. I love it when the coffee's done!
[Craig runs into the kitchen.] There's a... what? [Sees a clone, suitcase on his back, preparing to walk out the door.]
[Craig:] What are you doing?
[Clone:] I'm leaving.
[Craig:] What? There's chores to do. And alligators to feed ... you to.
[Clone:] I've fallen in love. We're leaving town.
[Craig laughs:] That's ridiculous. Who'd fall in love with an uggo like you?
[Clone:] Well, someone has. Someone very special.
[Craig:] Have a seat. Let's figure this out with a one-sided conversation.
[They sit at the kitchen table.]
[Craig:] Alright, let's compromise. You can't leave.
[Clone:] That's not compromise.
[Craig:] Pffft. Spare me the vocabulary lesson. You leave, our cover's blown. Government finds out I make clones. They steal the technology. And they study you. Then I have to move to Washington. Who'll ride my bike and open that box? [points to his bike and a box in the background] No. I got a good thing going here, doing nothing every day. All the time. By myself. I've achieved the American dream.
[Clone:] I've fallen in love. That's my dream.
[Craig laughs:] No you haven't.
[Clone:] I have.
[Craig:] No you haven't.
[Clone:] I have.
[Craig:] Nope. No you haven't.
[Clone:] Yes I have.
[Craig:] Nope.
[Clone:] Yes I have.
[Craig:] Haven't.
[Clone:] I have.
[Craig:] No you haven't.
[Clone:] Totally in love.
[Craig:] Haven't.
[Clone:] Completely madly in love.
[Craig:] Uh uh. Negatory.
[Clone:] Ridiculously in love.
[Craig:] No love here.
[Clone:] Yeah.
[Craig:] All hate.
[Clone:] Love. Ridiculous.
[Craig:] No love
[They continue on like this for a few seconds more, talking over each other, until they both yell in frustration and fall silent.]
[Clone:] I'll hide out. No one will find me.
[Craig:] Too risky.
[Clone:] You're being dumb.
[Craig:] Too risky.
[Clone:] Dumb.
[Craig:] Risky.
[Clone:] Dumb.
[Craig:] Risky.
[Clone:] Dumb.
[Craig:] Risky.
[Clone:] Dumb.
[Craig:] Risky.
[Clone:] Dumb.
[Craig:] Whiskey.
[Clone:] Rum.
[Craig:] Whiskey
[Clone:] Rum
[Craig:] Whiskey
[Clone:] Rum
[They yell in frustration and then fall silent.]
[Clone:] You're right. Whiskey is better than rum. I don't know why I argued otherwise.
[Craig:] See? How did you fall in love anyway? Clones don't go outside.
[Clone:] Remember you made me sweep the gutter puddles away? Which is stupid. Who cares about gutter puddles?
[Craig:] Ewww! Gutter puddles! [sprays his hands with 409 cleaner] [to camera:] Not a sponsor.
[Clone:] She saw me on the sidewalk. It was love at first sight.
[Craig laughs:] That doesn't exist. Just like you. Get to the alligator pit.
[Clone:] No! First of all, that alligator pit is filthy. When is the last time you cleaned it? That's a disrespectful death.
[Craig:] Hey, you know, you're right. Hey! Compliant clone! Clean the alligator pit.
[Compliant clone enters with a broom:] Sure thing! [jumps:] Yay! I'm helping! [Lands in the alligator pit. Sounds of alligator eating and compliant clone dying. Clone at the table sighs.]
[Craig:] There you go. Taken care of.
[Clone:] No it's not. He was killed by the alligator.
[Craig laughs:] Pish posh. Hey clone, is it clean? [No reply] Clone? [Silence] Clone? Oh that's right. Death is final. Tell you what. I'll date this girl for you. She'll never know the difference. Okay?
[Clone sighs:] I guess I have no choice.
[Craig:] Nope! Get to the alligator pit. [smiles]
[Clone gets up and walks to the alligator pit, turns and looks at Craig, who nods his head.]
[Craig:] Boing! [Makes falling sound. Makes sound of clone hitting water. And of the alligator eating. Draws his hand across his neck and makes neck breaking sound. Smiles.]
[Clone runs for it.]
[Craig:] Zoinks!
[Clone runs out the door and down the steps as Craig watches.]
[Craig:] Hmm. I do have a very good butt. Lucky girl.
[Wheezy Waiter outro graphic can be seen as the winker plays the outro theme on a clarinet. Winks (ding)]
Hello. You made it all the way to after the end credits of my video. Congratulations. You're really something. And someone. I wanted to talk to you about a couple of things. Number one, you got... [rubs his face] you got a little schmutz... right there. Two. A soft drink company, you may have heard of it, Pepsi, has this thing called the Pepsi Refresh project. They set aside millions of dollars to help local communities and the world be a better place by funding great ideas. At refresheverything dot com, you can vote on which ideas you think they should fund. I made a video on their YouTube channel talking about one of those great ideas. You can go to their channel right now if you want to to watch it.
[outtakes. Craig talking in the funny old-timey voice:] Jedediah Strong Smith was a hunter, a trapper, a fur trader, a trailblazer... [Craig starts to laugh] Ahh, I rarely make myself laugh. Jedediah Strong Smith was a hunter, a trapper, a f... [starts laughing again]... a fur trader, a trailblazer, an author, an explorer of the Rocky Mountains, the American West Coast. I could just read this whole article. This could be the video.

Recurring elements

singing rug, headlines, Wikipedia, "I love it when the coffee's done!", Clone in love, alligator pit, Compliant clone, wink, outtakes

Firsts

This is the first appearance of Clone in love and Compliant clone.

Related videos

At the request of commenters, Craig recorded a longer version of the Jedediah Smith story on his iPhone channel: Jedediah Smith
Handstand 71 - Pajama Style

External links

Clone in Love on YouTube