[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Did you know that I was a Cub Scout and I made it all the way to Boy Scouts? Thankfully I didn't keep going because I would have been Eagle Scout. [looks up and shakes fist] I hate you, eagle!! [Eagle squawks and flies overhead.] GRRR! Where'd you go? [The eagle flies right by Craig and bites Craig, who grabs his shoulder.] Ohh! My arm's gone!
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[turned around, looking at a pink baseball on the floor near the kitchen door] Why is there a pink baseball on the floor? [turns back to camera, his arm is still missing] Hmm. Not gonna worry about that because it sure won't affect me in the future or the past.
In stupid entertainment news, [shows headline] 'All My Children,' 'One Life to Live' canceled. What? Those shows should be called All My Children's Children's Children. And, like, three lifetimes worth of life. They've been on the air for a while is the point I'm trying to convey with my words. ABC wants to make room for two new shows. I don't know if they're gonna be any good but here's soaping! Get it? Cause soap opera? [Audience boos] Ugh, oh, you're right. Oh, that's terrible. [Looks down as values -7 cool pts. and -3 dexterity points float by his head.]
[Looks down at his missing arm] I seem to be losing a lot today.
In health news, [shows headline] music therapy can help reclaim language. Hmm. I happen to know someone who could use some help with speech. Hey Quiet Clone! [Quiet Clone leans in from left of frame and starts mumbling to Craig] Quiet Clone, I got something for ya.
[Quiet Clone:] Hey, over here!
[Craig:] Hey Quiet Clone, where are ya?
[Quiet Clone:] Over here.
[Craig sees Quiet Clone:] Oh there you are. Check it out. [plays DPC's song "House of 1982 Built Like A Ship" on his phone]
[Quiet Clone, at full volume:] Is that Driftless Pony Club? I LOVE DRIFTLESS PONY CLUB!
[Craig:] It works! It works! And you have good taste in music. Hmm. [standing by the alligator pit. throws phone in alligator pit.] Go get it! It's all yours! [Quiet Clone jumps into the alligator pit. Sounds of alligator munching.]
Yes! I got him! Quiet Clone's finally dead! I am totally tweeting about this. [moves his hand like he's holding his phone] Whoop, no more phone. I'll use my computer. [shows his tweet] "yes! finally killed quiet clone!" Let's see how happy people are about it. [scrolls through many tweets that all say variations on "Nooooooooo!" "WHAAAAAT!" "Nononononononono!" Craig looks stunned. Scrolls through many more replies that are similarly angry.] Uhhhhh..... That may have been a mistake. Lots of failure going on on my part today.
Wait, the coffee's done. I love it when the coffee's done. What could go wrong? [Gets up and hurries towards kitchen. Closeup of Craig stepping on the pink baseball.] Whoaaaa! [Closeup of his face as he falls backwards. He lands on his back.]
This day. It's not my kind of day. But at least I'm not in China... [shows article] where they have banned time travel in the media. They don't want to promote anything that would rewrite history. Psh. Whatever. Time travel is awesome and useful. [The words are appearing beside Craig's head as he says this.] That sentence had a typo when I published it... the first time. [Text on screen next to Craig: Time travel is awesome and useful. That sentence had a typo when I published it... the first time. - Craig Benzine] [Dun dun dun music]
As some of you know, I've traveled through time many times, and my time travel methods have evolved over the years. And then re-evolved over the same years. The latest version is over there [points to his right] just out of frame. All I gotta do is go over there and use the password, and I can think of a lot of reasons to travel through time today. [gets up and leaves frame] Time hoooooooo! [A clock wipe indicates travel to the past.]
[Craig is shaking his fist at the eagle. Future Craig leans into frame.]
[Future Craig:] Look out!
[Craig lunges to the right as the eagle flies by.]
[Craig:] Thank you, stranger.
[Future Craig:] You from the future.
[Craig:] Me... me from the future? My arm would've fallen off.
[Future Craig:] You're welcome. [He backs out of frame]
[clock wipe to Craig talking to camera:] ABC wants to make room for two new shows. I don't know if they're gonna be any good, but here's...
[Future Craig leans into frame:] Stop it!
[Craig:] What? Why?
[Future Craig:] Think about it.
[Craig:] Oh god! Oh, that would've been horrible. [Future Craig nods] Ugh, I woulda lost, like, five cool points.
[Future Craig:] Seven, actually.
[Future Craig:] You're welcome. [backs out of frame]
[Clock wipe to Craig standing by the alligator pit with his phone. He goes to throw it.]
[Future Craig:] Don't do that.
[Craig:] Why not?
[Future Craig:] People love him. Public relations nightmare if you kill him.
[Quiet Clone mumbles something quietly]
[Quiet Clone:] Thank you.
[Craig:] You're really helpful today, me from the future.
[Future Craig:] You're welcome.
[Quiet Clone:] I appreciate it.
[Clock wipe to Craig talking to camera:] Wait a second, I think the coffee's done. I love it when the coffee's done.
[Future Craig leans into frame:] Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Look out for that pink baseball, kay? [Craig gets up and walks towards kitchen.] Careful! Careful! Careful careful careful careful careful careful [Craig edges around the baseball] careful careful careful careful [Craig goes into the kitchen]. Okay, you're good.
[Clock wipe to present]
Problem solved. [sips coffee] I win. Yeaaaaah!! [Raises arm in victory. Eagle flies by and munches. Craig's arm is gone again.] Crap.
[Sped-up footage of someone drawing Craig with outro music and Wheezy Waiter video game outro graphic in corner. Winker holds up drawing and winks (ding)]
[Craig's voice from one of his alwayswheezy videos:] Beard slam! [Winker's camera hits beard in drawing]
[outtakes] [Craig, with his foot on the baseball, jumps up and back. Starting with his foot on baseball, he falls onto the floor. As he starts to get up, a black box censors his lower back. He falls again.]
singing rug, beardlovers, eagle, headlines, Quiet clone, Driftless Pony Club (DPC), alligator pit, Twitter, "I love it when the coffee's done!", Craig quotes, time travel, wink, outtakes
China Bans Time Travel? on YouTube