[slides in/singing rug]
Hey I'm a dog. [Craig makes dog ears with his hands and barks. A clone enters the frame and meows and makes clawing gesture. Craig, who's panting like a dog, cocks one ear/hand and makes dog sound of curiosity. Clone in the background runs away.]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So last week I took a risk and jumped into the controversial healthcare debate. Today I'm doing something much more controversial. Cats versus dogs. I choose dogs.
[turns to alternate camera angle] Whatcha gonna say about that, cat lovers, huh? Meow meow. [turns back to main camera angle]
I realize this is a subjective argument, and everybody looks for something different in their pet. But if you look for something like a cat in your pet, your opinion is wrong.
[turns to alternate camera angle] Cats are evil shapeshifting witches that draw you in with their cuteness and then keep you there with their poop. Well, a parasite in their poop called toxoplasmo gandii. It's been known to cause schizophrenia. Look it up. Cats make you crazy. [turns back to main camera angle]
Dogs love you. They respond to you. They protect you. In some cases, they look like you. The dog is you. And as far as I know, there's nothing in their poop that makes you nuts. Well maybe the smell. But they go outside like a civilized... person who... goes outside.
[turns to alternate camera angle] You keep your cat poop in a little sandbox. It's like you're forced to make some demented sculpture. Crazy poopy sandcastle. [turns back to main camera angle]
Dogs have many uses. Farm dog, rescue dog, hunting dog, guard dog, cleaning dog. Cleaning dog doesn't exist. Well, maybe if you put little, like, rag slippers on the doggy paws. Then they scurried around cleaning the floor. Hehe. Ahh. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, cats suck.
[turns to alternate camera angle] Don't get me wrong. You get a cat and a laser pointer and that's about as much fun as a human being can have. But when that laser pointer dies, so does my relationship with that cat. [turns back to main camera angle]
Sure, dogs may bark out of turn sometimes. Jump up on people, embarrass you. But they mean well. And they love you. They're like Joe Biden. The cat is Sarah Palin.
[turns to alternate camera angle] Also I'm a little bit allergic to cats so... [turns back to main camera angle]
If you die alone in your home, a dog will lay with you for days.
[turns to alternate camera angle] A cat will eat you in one or two. Dogs might eventually eat you too but at least they'll wait until they're starving. And they'll hate it. Cats will think you're delicious. [turns back to main camera angle]
Dogs are man's best friend.
[turns to alternate camera angle] I'm a cat. [makes meowing sound, clawing gesture, and then hisses with fingers representing fangs] [turns back to main camera angle]
Cats don't love you. They don't care about you. They just want your food and your shelter. Dogs want your love. [extreme closeup of Craig making a dog sound, like soft whimpering] And your food and your shelter.
[turns to alternate camera angle] I realize you cat lovers out there may take some issues with what I'm saying. Please, leave your arguments that I will disagree with in the comments. [turns back to main camera angle]
I actually don't even own any pets. [whale sounds] Oh yeah, the whale. [sound of Michael Phelps giggling] Oh! Stoned Michael Phelps is still here. [A glow emerges from the whale tank] Shiny-skinned David Hasselhoff. [A clone leans into frame and waves] Ahh, my clones. They don't count. [Clone looks dejected and leaves frame] Craig with a Wig. [In the kitchen, we see Craig with a Wig sitting at kitchen table.]
[Craig with a Wig:] *Ding* you.
[Sound of Chewbacca crying] Chewbacca's back!
[A cat winks (ding)]
[looking offscreen at his computer] Haha. Awww... a wink by a wittle puddy tat.... [sees the camera] that I hate. [Looks offscreen again, makes meowing sound, clawing gesture. Remembers camera and makes serious face.]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
[zooms in camera for extreme closeup. Makes dog whimpering noise. Does it again. Does it again.]
[A picture of a dog and cat fighting appears on screen with sounds of Craig barking and meowing over and over again]
singing rug, clone, alternate camera angle, whale tank, Michael Phelps, shiny David Hasselhoff, Craig with a Wig, *ding*, Chewbacca, wink, outtakes
Cats vs Dogs on YouTube