[wheezywaiter dot com chips and salsa intro]
Greetings wheezies, it's September 24th.
[Title on the window: "NEW LAMP!"]
What? [Craig turns around to look at the window]
Oh yeah! I got a new lamp.
[singing over footage of the lamp - in a wig - and Craig dancing together, spinning each other in the kitchen] Lamp be a lady tonight. Lamp be a lady tonight.
In the comments, jennifriend writes "whats your favorite thing about butter?"
Good question, jennifriend. Because of your comment, I now declare September 24th 'butterday.' [Craig unwraps a stick of butter and the title BUTTERDAY is superimposed over it.]
Things I like about butter.
Butter is not a terrorist. [Picture of Osama bin Laden]
Also butter does not look like this. [Picture of Goldie Hawn]
And butter does not try to rob me. [Headline: Source: O.J. Simpson arrested in armed robbery probe] Or kill me and get away with it. [OJ's mugshot picture and him putting on gloves in court]
Careful. Don't eat too much butter like this guy seems to have. [Side by side pictures of OJ's mugshot and a recent picture of OJ labeled 'before' and 'after']
And so has this morbidly obese girl. [Picture of Britney Spears performing at the VMAs] Eww gross. [closeup of her tummy]
This healthy young starlet has the right idea though. [Picture of Kiera Knightley]
OJ is today's winner of the triple danzig award. I made fun of him for these three things. [Title on screen: -robbery, -murder, -fatness] [Accompanying sound effects of ka-ching, gunshot, and a mooing cow]
Also with butter you can do these things:
the Butter and Potatoes. [Wheezy drops butter into his pants]
Slip 'N Slide. [Wheezy throws a stick of butter and leaps to slide over it]
Pipe Greaser. [Wheezy inserts a large block of butter into his mouth and begins chewing]
Get Buttered! [Wheezy wipes butter all over his face and beard]
and the Tension Melter. [Wheezy throws butter at a tree.]
Brought to you by Budweiser. [highlights the Budweiser sign over Wheezy's head as he throws butter at the tree]
Well, I guess that wraps up our show.
[Clone enters the frame:] Hey! You look like you got some sun. Where you been?
Oh. I found myself in the suburbs a few days ago filming some baseball recruitment videos. You wanna see some footage?
[Clone:] Does this mean this is another baseball-themed movie?
Take me out to the ballgame indeed.
[Clone shakes his head:] You're gay.
[Voiceover begins over footage of Craig lying in the street with his head in the gutter] It was an average morning. Or so I thought. Where the hell was I? Lisle, Illinois. The suburbs! I came upon a strange field where kids were throwing a ball around. Is this Field of Dreams? This kid had good form and though his speed was a sexual position [shows speed of 69]. It was unimpressive. I could do better. [Craig throws a pitch. Catcher catches a pitch. The number 96 is superimposed over the speed box.] Ohhhh hmmmm [Showing some coaches taking notes. Craig throws a pitch. Catcher catches a pitch. The number 99 is superimposed over the speed box.] [sound of a gasp and an unidentified guy gapes in surprise. Craig throws a pitch. Catcher catches a pitch. The number 40 is superimposed over the speed box. That number then becomes 140 with a ka-ching sound effect. More gasping and whoa-ing. Ashleigh is shown swooning.]. Now it was time to get super serious and play a real game.
Hey Tim. More bounce!
[Tim:] Eat a dick, Craig.
Obligatory staredown with the batter. [Craig the pitcher stares at Craig the batter, who sneers. ] And the pitch. [Craig swings and hits.] Going, going, got it. [Craig leaps in the air to catch the ball.] First out. [applause. Ashleigh jumps up and down. Another unidentified guy makes the out signal. Craig swings, hits, drops bat, and starts running.] Grounder to the pitcher. [Craig the pitcher picks up the ball, throws it to Craig on first base just before Craig the batter runs to the base.] Second out. [Unidentified guy gapes in surprise.] Aaaaand [Craig the batter swings and hits. Craig catches it.] Game over. [wink (ding)] [applause]
[Title on screen: 2nd Half Executively Produced by Tim Ferrin]
[Title on screen: Special Thanks to Nick Ferrin, Ashleigh Moyer, and Dunk]
[wheezywaiter dot com outro]
[outtakes of Wheezy attempting to pick up a ball in his mitt and immediately dropping it. Unidentified guy holding speedometer thingy up to Wheezy's face speaks:] Wow. You must go through a lot of razors. [Wheezy nods.]
wheezies, comments, headlines, "danzig!", clone, wink, outtakes
Butterball on YouTube