[slides in/singing rug]
I've never read a Twilight book or seen a movie and I never will!
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[looking at a picture of Edward Cullen on his computer] I would so choose you, Edward. Oh hey! Hey... [minimizes the picture of Edward so that what he's filming is on the screen instead] I was just looking at me looking at me looking at me looking at me looking at me looking at me... looking at me... looking at me.
Okay, time to do other things.
Close. [back in the kitchen] Far! [in the middle of the room] Closer. [in regular chair] Closer. [back in the kitchen] Far. [in his chair] Close. [back in the kitchen] Far! [in the middle of the room] Closer. [in his chair] Closer. [Back in the kitchen] Far! [Leans into the side of the frame] Over here! [In his chair:] Close. [Back in the kitchen:] Far! [In the middle of the room:] Closer. [In his chair:] Closer. [Kitchen:] Far. [Leans into frame:] Over here! [In his chair:] Close. [Back in the kitchen:] Far! [In the middle of the room:] Closer. [In his chair:] Closer. [Back in the kitchen:] Far! [Leans into frame:] Over here! [In his chair:] Close. [Back in the kitchen:] Far! [In the middle of the room:] Close... [We hear the whale tank cover cracking] Ohhhhhh! [Falls into the whale tank] [whale sounds]
I gotta stop buying the flimsy whale tank covers. But I spend too much money on the quick-dry clothing!
So. Happy Canada Day.
It's the day Canada became a kingdom in its own right on July 1st 1867. Althouuuugh British parliament kept limited political control, which was shed in stages until all control was given to Canada in 1982.
I was still alive when Britain had a little bit of political clout in Canada? Canadians discovered that Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father [Text on screen: Afterwarning: spoiler] under British occupation? Canadians enjoyed disco because their British overlords who enslaved them allowed it?
Here's the thing. Canada, here. [Shows map. Arrow points to Canada.] Britain, here. [Arrow points to Britain] Britain, this big. [Highlights Britain.] Canada, this big. [Highlights Canada.]
You Canadians can be real pushovers sometimes... for 200 years.
I'm just saying. I'm just saying it. Words are being uttered. I love you, Canada.
America fought a bloody war to gain independence. Canada decided to wait 200 years. I guess waiting is a better alternative than death. Unless you're waiting in line for your new social security card that you applied for because you left your wallet in a cab. It took so long!! Or if you're waiting for the Twilight saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 to come out, which I'm not.
Sometimes it's too much.
I really do love you, Canada. You're the only other country I've ever been to.
Unless you count Utah.
I made a list of my top five favorite things about Canada.
Neil Young. Duh.
Beer. Double duh.
Scarlett Johansson. If she were from Canada but she's not.
Celine Dion... is from there and not here. I like that.
And mounties. They're hilarious!
If you're a mountie, I'm sure it's a very tough job and you work very hard at it. [starts laughing but stops himself] I'm sorry.
All kidding aside, Happy Canada Day. I enjoy sharing a continent with you. You think I can take a little bit of control of Quebec or Ontario? Come on! Britain got a chance. I'd even take a tiny corner of the Yukon. Call it Wheezyland. Eh? Come on! It's the Yukon! No one cares about the Yukon!
I'm probably gonna piss off a lot of Canadians with this video.
I may not get a chance to make a video tomorrow. In that case, next time you see me, I will be in L.A. or on my way to L.A. Or thinking about L.A. Or... that's it.
I'm going to a giant YouTube event called VidCon. Maybe I'll see you there. Maybe I'll give you a high five. Even if you're Canadian. Especially if you're Canadian. Mostly due to guilt.
I love you, Canada.
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
[Text on screen: Outtake Technique stolen from mysteryguitarman] [17 takes of Craig saying British with Text on screen: Take 1] British... [Take 2] British... [Take 3] British... [Take 4] British... [Take 5] British... [Take 6[ British... [Take 7] British... [Take 8] British... [Take 9] British... [Take 10] British... [Take 11] British... [Take 12[ British... [Take 13] British... [Take 14] British... [Take 15] British... [Take 16] British... [Take 17] British... British parliament kept limited politi.... British parliament kept limited... Limited... I have to smile when I say 'limited.' Otherwise I can't say it.
singing rug, whale tank, Scarlett Johansson, wink, outtakes
British Rule of Canada on YouTube