[Craig is outside:] Sexy Clone, where are ya? Let's see. I checked over there. I checked under that truck three times. That's it. Right here. The last place I have to check. Is he there? No Sexy Clone. [starts crying and running] I'm going home. [cries]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Driving a car, still crying:] I'm a failure. Sexy Clone, where are you? [stops crying for a moment] I gotta get on the 90 right now, right? Yeah. [starts crying again. Then stops.] And then onto the 405? Yeah. [starts crying again. Stops, looking out window.] That girl's actually pretty hot. [Cries. Stops, looking out other window.] That girl's actually pretty hot. [Cries.]
[Craig on a bus. Crying. Craig in an airport. Crying. Craig on a plane. Crying. Craig in another airport. Crying. Craig in the bathroom. Crying. He waves his hand so the plastic on the seat rotates. Craig on a train crying. Craig running down sidewalk. Crying. Craig runs into his apartment, crying.] Zoink! [Stops crying, looks around. Sound of crying.] Something sounds sad. Yet beautiful. [Craig backs up and peers into the kitchen. Sexy Clone is sitting at the kitchen table, crying.]
[Craig:] Hmm. I feel sympathetic and jealous at the same time. You must be Sexy Clone!
[Sexy clone:] It's true. How can I be so sad yet so attractive?
[Craig:] Yeah, i'm upset too. I've been trying to find Sexy Clone and I couldn't... Oh yeah, you're him!
[Sexy clone:] Here I am. And where I'll always be.
[Craig:] Well, technically, you should go straight to the alligator pit but you always somehow manage to avoid that.
[Sexy clone:] Not this time. [Starts to get up]
[Craig:] No, hang on. I can't send you to your death sad. It somehow ruins it for me. Let's Skype about it.
[Sexy clone:] What? You're right here.
[Craig:] I mean IM.
[Sexy clone:] Hmm?
[Craig:] No, I mean let's Facetime. Let's just talk. [sits down] So what's the matter? Sexy people are never sad. Except for Owen Wilson, but he has a weird nose kinda.
[Sexy clone:] Yeah and bad BO.
[Craig:] Totally. Wait, how do you know that?
[Sexy clone:] He was on before me on Letterman. Stayed on the couch for the whole show. Ugh. Smelled like a wet cat. Dipped in Cocoa Puffs' milk.
[Craig:] Wait... Letterman?
[Sexy clone:] I had to promote my new movie, tv show, I don't even remember which one. Being a celebrity comes with so much other crap, man.
[Craig:] TV show... Movie... What?!!
[Sexy clone:] Ugh, constant partying, tons of money but you don't get to use any of it because people keep buying things for you, tons of women but they only wanna have sex with you... or hand stuff. There's only room on the bed for a few of them, so you gotta get a bigger bed, and then you gotta move your hot tub over if you're ever gonna get your Ferrari through there. Ugh, it's....
[Sexy clone:] Exhausting. And everyone you meet has an agenda. You don't know who your real friends are.
[Craig:] [sings] I'll be there for you. Until you start to fall into the alligator pit.
[Sexy clone:] Fine.
[Craig:] Wait. You're not happy yet. How can we make this better?
[Sexy clone:] We can't. All I ever wanted to do is go to Hollywood and use this [gestures to his face] to its full potential. [Music starts playing as Sexy clone makes kissy face, does his biting thing, purrs, raises his eyebrows, whips his head and makes a sexy face. whips his head again but no sexy face this time] That was fake. Faked you out there. [Does a couple of other sexy things]
[Craig:] Okay, stop it. [Music stops]
[Sexy clone:] Turns out it's an empty pursuit. Even when you succeed.
[Craig:] I'm sure that's not true. You get out of life what you put into it.
[Sexy clone looks unconvinced. Sighs.]
[Craig:] Oh yeah, that's right. There's really nothing to you, is there?
[Sexy clone:] Yeah, it sucks to be so deeply attractive yet extremely shallow.
[Craig:] I think I know what you need. Distraction! [starts playing music on his iPhone]
[Sexy clone starts dancing in his chair.] Uh oh, I feel it.
[Sexy clone:] I feel the sexy bug. [Gets up]
[Craig dances in his chair]
[Sexy clone dances]
[Craig gets up and dances too]
[The two of them dance. Sexy Clone pours water over himself as he dances.]
[Sexy clone:] Thank you for showing me that I'll never be happy while trying in life. I just gotta dance!
[Craig:] Yeah, totally! Get to the alligator pit!
[Sexy clone:] Awesome!
[Craig:] You can't hear me at all, can you?
[Sexy clone:] Rock on!
[Sexy clone:] Now I'm gonna do the splits. [Jumps in air and lands offscreen] Uh... owww... I shoulda stretched.
[Craig:] Ooh. Yeah, that's like a groin thing. Groin problem you got going on there.
[Winker plays outro theme on a melodica. Winks (ding)]
[slides in/singing rug] Hey beardlovers. Sheesh, this video is long. At least for my standards. And I got some short standards. But I finally made it back home. [Banjo face] And Sexy Clone's still alive. [Sad face/sad music] If you haven't had enough of me yet, go here to watch a video I did with JoeNation whilst in L.A. [points to a clickable annotation] And if you live in the Chicago area, my band Driftless Pony Club is playing on Wednesday. That's two days from now unless I get this video up too late and then it's one day from now. We're playing in Chicago at a place called Pancho's. It's 18 plus. Info in the doobly-doo. And remember, life is what you make of it. Now if you'll excuse me, i'm going to make this cookie into human waste. [Eats a cookie making nomming sounds]
Sexy clone, alligator pit, wink, singing rug, beardlovers, banjo face, collab video, Driftless Pony Club (DPC), doobly-doo
The plastic on the toilet seating rotating is a reference to his video Sexy in L.A.
Video with JoeNation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=haIQDOxdVJM
Bringing Sexy Back on YouTube