[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. So every day that I make a video, you're all looking at me. I think it's time I look at one of you. [Adjusts focus and leans very close to camera so his eyes are prominent.]
Oh! Looking good, random beardlover. You have a Justin Bieber poster? Ugh. Don't make me roll my eyes at you. [Rolls his eyes again and again.] Hey, you should use that ping pong table over there. [Moves his eyes back and forth from side to side like he's watching a ping pong match.] You're pretty good. Oh, now the pogo stick! [Moves his eyes up and down.] Slip 'n Slide! [His eyes follow the slip 'n slider.] Now you're all wet. Oh, hopping in the dryer. [His eyes move in circles as they follow the beardlover in the dryer.] Probably shoulda used a towel instead. It seems dangerous.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[He's holding a skateboard.] So beardlovers, did you know that I'm wicked awesome at skateboarding? Check it out! Flipendo! [The carpet flips out of the way on its own.] I'm also a wizard but that's a different story. Okay... [Rides his skateboard into kitchen. And back towards camera. Jumps and the skateboard flips and he lands on it again, right after an edit.] Landed it!
I suppose you think that was editing tricks. Mm hmm. Yeah. Mm hmm. Yeah. Mm hmm. Yeah. No way. I'm gonna do another trick. Check it out. [Craig stands on a skateboard on the rug. He jumps up. Lands on the skateboard.] Oh yeah! That was awesome, right? You probably need to see it in slow motion. Roll it again.
[Craig stands on the skateboard on the rug.] Check it out. [He jumps up. In extremely slow motion, he continues his jump upwards as the skateboard flips up on to the couch, does more flips on the couch, and sails, twirling, through the air, landing under Craig's feet just as he's descending. He lands on it.] Oh yeah! That was awesome, right?
[It's noticeably darker now.] You don't have to answer that. Yes. It was awesome. It might be darker now but that's not because I was editing that skateboard trick for the past two hours. Hehehe. Shifty eyes.
There was no editing except slowmos. It was a real trick. It's just darker now 'cause of the clouds and the El Ninos such as forecasts for the radars and the... Shut up.
So the reason for all this skateboard stuff today is 'cause, obviously, we're celebrating George Washington's birthday here in the U.S. And we know the skateboard wouldn't exist if he wasn't born.
Because, you know, it was believed to have been invented around the 1940s and 50s because Californians needed something to surf when the waves were flat.
Bill Richards certainly wouldn't have ever manufactured the first skateboard 'cause he wouldn't have commissioned the Chicago Roller Skate Company to build the skate wheels to put under the wooden board.
[sighs] Because Chicago... Chicago wouldn't exist.
Because, you know, it came from Fort Dearborn, which never would have been commissioned because Henry Dearborn never would have commissioned it 'cause he was the Secretary of War at the time. [Craig's getting angry.] And who would have hired him? Thomas Jefferson? Certainly not! [He's kind of yelling now.] Because he never would have fought at Valley Forge alongside George Washington!!! [Yelling] Because George Washington never would have been born!!!! [sighs] What do they teach in school these days?
[Wheezy Waiter outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Craig's playing with an app on his phone.] So beardlovers, remember that BriskSaber app where you can slice things with a light saber? Well, now there's a YouTube channel with Darth Maul who will announce the leader on the leaderboard. Links in the doobly-doo to that and to download this app so you can be talked about by Darth Maul.
[Standing further back on the rug, holding a lightsaber.] Check out this trick. [Waves the lightsaber in front of him for a second.] Awesome, right? Let's see it again in slow mo. [Craig waves lightsaber, moves all around with it, appears to dance for a second, moves around a lot with lightsaber, moves towards the camera and away.] Awesome, right?
singing rug, beardlovers, wink, doobly-doo
Board Leader on YouTube