Hello. I'm [pulls hair down and bows his head. Two boxes with pictures of this pose turn upside down so his brow looks like a W. The titles "heezy" and "aiter" fly in after the two pictures of his W-looking brow. The intro music plays.]
That wasn't a permanent new intro. That was just a thing I did today, okay? Don't freak out. You're hysterical! Just calm down. Okay, freak out a little bit. Okay, now calm down again.
So I was listening to the radio this morning when I woke up, as I always do. It helps me get through the slow agonizing waking-up process.
[Craig sleeps in bed. The radio starts playing "Shake Your Groove Thing." Craig sits up in bed, energetically lip-syncing to the song. He gets up and dances.]
It's a hard life. Just try to make it through. Day by day.
Then I bumped the radio and accidentally knocked it to an NPR station.
[Craig mimicking the NPR station:] Words word words. Words words words. [Craig, listening to the radio, starts falling asleep.] Words words.
And then they mentioned something about a Republican blaming the Obama administration for the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. I don't remember which Republican. You expect me to look that up? I'm busy.
[Craig playing air guitar along with a song on the radio] I'm an amazing guitar player!
He basically said Obama was responsible because he didn't regulate the oil industry enough.
With that kind of thinking, I could displace blame for everything.
[Craig and a clone sit side by side.]
[Craig:] Hey clone.
[Clone:] Hey. What's up?
[Craig:] How's your day? [punches the clone]
[Clone:] Rrrr! Why'd you do that?
[Craig:] Oh I'm sorry. If sea life would have stayed in the sea where it belonged, we would have never evolved into two-legged land-walking creatures thus freeing up my arm for punching.
[Clone:] Stupid evolution!
[Craig:] Well... I... I blame sea life, but we can argue about that later.
[Clone:] Now you've upset the whale.
[By himself again, Craig holds up box set of Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi] Old Star Wars was good. New Star Wars sucked. Augh! Why did ancient Egyptians have to start that whole fascination with creating images? Every time. Every time!
[sniffs] I think the coffee's done. I love it when the coffee's done! [starts to stand up but sits again in pain] Aaa aaa aaa!! Stubbed my toe. Stupid Big Bang.
Alright, I gotta get outta here now because of stupid capitalism. I have to get work on time.
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
Check it out. I want you to watch this footage from previously in the video.
[Clone:] Why'd you do that?
[Craig:] Oh I'm sorry. If... [Video freezes. Craig is highlighted.]
Right there! Was I about to pick my nose? I have no idea. I have no idea.
[Craig is turned towards the window, where we can hear a truck beeping.] Something large is backing up. Something large is backing up.
[A siren can be heard outside.] Stupid ambulance noise! What didn't you regulate this time, Obama?
clone, whale tank, "I love it when the coffee's done!", wink, outtakes
Blame-o on YouTube