|Original Upload date||August 18, 2011|
|Intro||Wheezy beard intro|
|Outro||video game outro|
|Wink submitted by||MeenyMcSweeny|
[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. You don't know me. You think you know me? Guess what's in my hand? [raises his clenched hand] Go on, guess. You didn't guess anything. [opens hand, which is empty] You're right. You do know me, friend! Awww... [goes to hug camera. Suddenly he's further back in his room, further from camera, and he's hugging himself] Why am I over here now? Come on, gimme a hug. [scoots towards camera/singing rug/goes to hug camera again. Same thing happens. He's further back in his room.] Oh. I get it. You don't like me. Am I repulsive to you? What do I do that's so repulsive? [looks around and notices a bowl by the TV] Is that yesterday's cereal? [Text on screen: Yesterday's cereal] Mmmm. Yum yum. [Picks it up and eats it, making loud nomming sounds]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[still eating the cereal, but back in his regular spot close to camera] Mmm. Yesterday's cereal's so good. So soft. It's like cereal butter.
I stopped using my teeth a long time ago. They have blenders now, idiot. [As he says this, these words appear beside him: I stopped using my teeth a long time ago. They have blenders now, idiot. -Craig Benzine] [He smiles, and his smile glints and dings.]
[still eating, but eating ice cream now] That was rude. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you an idiot. There's chocolate chunks in here! Ahhh, I used my teeth! [cries out in pain]
[now holding a box of crackers] No ice cream for me. Time to dissolve crackers on my tongue. [looks at box] Reduced fat? You need fat to live! More fat more life!
Okay, the eating portion of this video is over. I'm not gonna eat another thing. [His hand slowly enters the frame. It's holding a cupcake. He opens his mouth as the cupcake draws near] Nope! [turns his head away suddenly and the hand with the cupcake leaves the frame.] Phew. That was close. [takes a sip of beer]
[asks in a very whiny monotone] What's the matter with me? Why do I eat and drink so much? [asks some more questions that are unintelligible] Why do I never lose weight?
[shows article and reads headline] If you're not losing weight, you must not want to.
Pffft. Whatever, Mila... [shows article about Mila Kunis saying that] ... Jovovich.
[Clone, who's sweeping the floor behind Craig:] Kunis.
[Craig:] Well, thank you, cloneness, but you don't to have me Coolness. Craig is fine.
[Clone:] No, no... it's Mila Kunis.
[Craig:] Oh. The lesbian?
[Clone:] She's not... I don't think she's a lesbian.
[Reading a Mila Kunis quote from the article in a high voice:] "But when people say 'I can't lose weight,' no, no, no you can."
Pffft. Whatever. Not everyone has all that free time because they made billions of dollars on iCarly.
[Clone:] That 70s Show.
[Craig:] That 70s Show.
[Clone:] Do you even live on this planet?
[Craig mimics him:] Do you even live on this planet?
[Reads a Mila Kunis quote from the article in a high voice again:] "Your body can do everything and anything, you just have to want to do it."
Enough of this new-agey crap. My body can do anything? Can it quote Shakespeare? I bet it can't. What shall I swear by?
[Camera zooms in on Craig's body, which continues:] Do not swear at all. Or if thou wilt, swear by thy gracious self. Which is the god of my idolatry. And I'll believe you. [Camera pulls out]
Nope! It's 'I'll believe thee.' See? This is why we fail auditions. My body is so dumb!
[Clone:] That was disturbing.
[Craig:] How long are you going to sweep that spot in the kitchen? I think it's clean.
Also, Milla, you don't end your sentences with prepositions. [zooms in on headline again, which ends in the word "to."] Oh! Oh! You suck!
[Clone:] Why are you so bitter?
[Craig:] Because she sets the bar so high for good looks and fitness, making me look bad. [looks at camera] I hate you, and I love blaming others. [banjo face]
In other news, [shows picture accompanying an article. The picture is of a note tacked to a door:] I hate you. [pans to headline and reads it.] Blaming others can ruin your health. [reads from article] Studies have shown that bitter, angry people have higher blood pressure and heart rate and are more likely to die of heart disease and other illnesses.
Psh. I doubt it! And my doubt makes me bitter.
[Camera zooms in on Craig's body.] Aye, there's the rub. [Camera pulls out]
Shut up! [cries out in pain] Ow, my heart. Maybe my bitterness does hurt me. [gasps] Wait! I think I'm learning something! [pause] No. Yep! [sniffs] I think the coffee's done. And I... love it... when the coffee's done. Positive my way to the coffee. [smiles. music plays. He gets up, walks, smiling. Looks down.] Oh my god! That's a great new couch! [Still smiling, he grabs the guitar and sits down, plays and sings:] Yeah yeah yeah, absolutely affirmative. Yeah! [smiles. Continues walking towards coffee.] I think I'll donate money to donorschoose dot org. [Donates money on his laptop in the kitchen.] Mmm. Feels good to give. Now for the coffee. [Camera zooms in on coffee pot, which is empty. Craig, still smiling, looks concerned.] Oh. Forgot to make the coffee. Hehe. Mm. [Shots of empty coffee pot intercut with shots of Craig still smiling, then starting to lose it, shaking his head, trying to force the positive expression to remain on his face. He emits a single wrenching sob, and words fly from his mouth (gah hhuh uh). He covers his mouth with his hand and looks at camera.]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Winker:] I refuse to do this. [winks (ding)] I'm not gonna do this. [winks (ding)] I'm not gonna wink.
So have you watched Part 2 of my competition video yet on Amazon dot com slash intel? We need to get it 200 thousand views so Intel donates 25 thousand dollars to donorschoose dot org. Totemstump had a good suggestion [shows comment] that I auto-play part 1 on my main channel. That's what I'm gonna do. Have you checked out donorschoose dot org? Classrooms suggest what they need, and you can choose whatever classroom all over the place that you want to donate to. You may want to consider it 'cause it's better than being bitter. Now I'll end this in the least possible bitter way I can. [banjo face] [The eagle flies down into frame. Craig stops his banjo face.] Ugh! Stupid eagle! Oh! My heart! Oh! Oh! [falls over and out of his chair, out of frame. We can hear him dropping on the floor.]
[Craig's body, offscreen:] The way to dusty death... out, out brief candle.
[Craig, offscreen:] Shut up, body!
[Outtakes of Craig asking/whining unintelligble questions]
At the end, Craig is trying to get people to watch his video Competition 101 (continued).
Bitter on YouTube