[Three clones enter the frame together close to camera while a clone in the background leaps out of the bathroom and starts dancing:] Welcome to the Wheezy Waiter show.
[Clone on the right:] Is he still dancing? [Clone on left starts picking his nose as the clone on right yells to the clone in the background.] Stop dancing! [Sees clone on the left picking his nose.] And don't pick your nose.
[Clone in the middle:] Can they see that I'm not wearing pants?
[Clone on the right:] Oh god!
[Clone in the middle:] This is exactly what your body looks like.
[Clone on the right:] It doesn't make the situation better.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. So I wanted to talk to you about a comment I often see. No, not 'Oh my god, Wheezy, you're so pretty. I love you.' Though I do see that one extremely often.
No, this is a different comment. And it's not just a comment I see on my videos. I also see it on other videos on the rare occasion I watch any video other than my own.
Beardlover for life!
And I also see it in my real life, which is the thing that happens in between watching YouTube videos, which involves something like this.
[Text onscreen: reenactment] [Craig finishes watching one of his own videos.] Hahahaha. That video's over. [Looks around] Is this real life? Another video, quick!
Now, to be clear, I'm not responding to any specific person's comments, and this isn't about my own personal feelings when someone comments this to me. It's not like, [he sobs, his face very wet, and words fly out of his mouth: gah hhuh uah uuuh] Why doesn't anyone like me?
Also I don't cry through my eyebrows. [Still frame from him sobbing where there's a bunch of water on his eyebrows]
No, this is my opinion about this comment in general. Said by anyone. Even a general. Or a lieutenant. Or a bus driver. Or the girl that gives you a sponge bath. I'm sorry... Person that gives you a sponge bath. Times are changing.
The comment is this: [talks in an annoying voice] That's two minutes I'll never get back. [regular voice again] Or whatever time that they can't get back.
Now a bunch of you are just rushing to the comments to write that exact comment. Congratulations on being very funny.
There are a number of problems with this comment. Some just on a technical level. Well, I guess not for me, because I have a time machine. But I'm the only one. I made sure of it. Whenever I discovered someone had a time machine, I went back in time and made sure they never got one. It just gets messy.
More than one time traveler? Paradox city! Where the grass is green and the girls could be the same girls. [As he says this, the words appear onscreen beside him: More than one time traveler? Paradox city! Where the grass is green and the girls could be the same girls. -Craig Benzine]
But for everyone else, every second that passes is deleted forever. You're not getting this one back. [Sound effect of something going into Trash on a computer. This continues as he talks about the seconds that are passing.] Or this one. Or this one. Scientists have discovered they can get this one back. [Sound effect of something being restored.] They're working on it. Nor this one. [Sound of trashing again. Continues.] Nor this one. That one sucked. We don't want that one back.
Ugh, god! Remember that horrible second a few seconds ago? Let's never speak of it again.
Can't get this one back. Or this one. [The door to the time machine opens and time-traveling Craig sticks his head out.] That one was awesome. I'm gonna go to my time machine so I can experience it again. [Time-traveling Craig shuts door as Craig gets up and runs into the time machine room.]
[Clock wipe to the past] Or this one. [The door to the time machine opens and time-traveling Craig sticks his head out.] That one was awesome. I'm gonna go to my time machine so I can experience it again. [Time traveling Craig shuts door as past Craig starts to get up.]
[Clock wipe back to the present. Craig comes out of time machine room.] Can't get this one back. Can't get this one back. [in a much slower speed:] This one's slowed down. [regular speed again] Can't get this one back. [no shirt] I'm shirtless in this one. [Standing in the street, no shirt] I'm shirtless outside in this one.
This one's gone. [Gibberish of something being said in reverse.] That one was in reverse, which was weird.
You get the idea. So on a scientific level, saying that you can't get your time back is just pointless.
Yes, I realize you're just being sarcastic and pointing out that your time was wasted when you could have been doing better things. You're really saying... [text onscreen: reenactment] The disdain I feel for the duration you forced me to endure is highlighted by my scientifically and temporally unnecessary observation. BWAHAHA!
But now let's analyze what you're really saying. That statement implies that you have better things that you could be doing with your time.
Well, I'm sorry that in this video so far, I have wasted over a minute [text onscreen: 2.5 minutes] of your time that you'll never get back even though I'm not sorry, and I'm not sorry that I'm not sorry.
Do you fill up every last second of your day with useful stuff and then go immediately to sleep? And what is useful stuff?
Exercise. Caring for a kitten. Reading about nuclear physics. Exercising a nuclear kitten.
And even if some of those things are useful... Exercising a nuclear kitty is probably very necessary. If we don't keep releasing that energy, we could have a kitty core meltdown, which, albeit adorable-sounding, is probably a terrible disaster.
But even if those things are useful, they probably don't take up every single waking minute of your life.
People require time to relax, do nothing, think nothing. You know, free time. Some of my best times were wasted times, times I wasn't thinking. Mostly in college. I think.
I'm gonna waste five seconds of your time right now, followed by a celebration. [Craig sits and looks at camera as a number in the corner of screen counts down 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... 0. A 'Hallelujah' chorus is heard as the screen goes purple, and confetti graphics rain down and the audience cheers to the sound of fireworks.]
Now do you think that matters? Is the rest of your life going to be behind by five seconds? On your deathbed, are you gonna be filled with regret for the lost time?
[A long-black-wigged Craig lies on the couch, holding his phone, which is counting down from ten seconds.] In ten seconds, I'll finally be ready to die. [His whole body suddenly goes tense.] Oh, that stupid video! [Falls back on pillow, dead. He lies there, dead, as the clock on his phone counts down to zero. The 'Hallelujah' chorus sings, the audience cheers, and confetti graphics rain down.]
No, that's not gonna happen. Just take a look at old people. Don't worry. Just a quick second. Just take a quick glance at an old person. You better get used to it. That's your future.
Anyway, most of them are just sitting around. They've accomplished everything they needed to do. And if there's more stuff to do, there's plenty of time to do it. In between bowel movements. Unless bowel movements are the thing they need to do. Then they're golden. The bowel movements aren't golden, hopefully, 'cause that's not healthy. Why am I talking about bowel movements?
My biggest concern about these comments is they're usually said about something that was made by someone else. Someone who's actually doing stuff.
However pointless the stuff they were doing may have seemed, they put something into the world. Except for the people that made Sex and the City 2. That's 146 minutes I'll never get back. If you watch the credits. Why did I watch the credits?!
Anyway, there are people out there using their time for something other than commenting about how they're using their time. And I think that's a good thing.
How are you using your time? Rhetorical. Don't answer that. I just said it was a bad thing to comment about how you're using your time. Just write a poem or something.
[Title onscreen: 50 years later...]
[text onscreen: enactment] [Long-black-wigged Craig sits at kitchen table.] In seven seconds, I'll have the cure for cancer. [Grabs his chest, in distress.] Too soon! [He falls forward onto the table. Lies there unmoving for several seconds. Then sits up.] Ahh, good nap. Let's see. Where was I? 5 Down. Medical breakthrough in the year 2037. The cure for cancer!
[A dog barks the outro theme for Wheezy Waiter. Then winks (ding)]
A couple things. My band has two shows coming up next weekend. One in Cleveland and one in upstate New York. Check it out. In the doobly-doo.
And, if you feel like more efficiently wasting your time watching my videos, I have an iPhone app. Link in the doobly-doo to download that. It has my Wheezy Waiter, alwayswheezy, wheezynews channels and Facebook, Google Plus, Twitter feed all in one place. Works with the iPhone, iPad, and iPod Touch. Commence with the comments about how it doesn't work for the Android. I apologize. I'll work on it. Perhaps write a poem to express your feelings on the subject.
We all still get sponge bath... sponge bathas, though, right? Bathas? Bathas? Some day, I will learn English as my first language.
clone, song, singing rug, beardlovers, flying-words sob, time travel, Craig quotes, wink, Driftless Pony Club (DPC), doobly-doo, outtakes
Biggest Waste of Time on Youtube on YouTube