Rehearsal. Ready? [As Craig conducts, a clone choir of three clones sings:] Welcome to the Wheezy Waiter Shoooooow. Explosion! [The choir explodes]
[Craig:] Flat. Probably shouldn't have done the explosion for the rehearsal.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. I'm not 100 percent sure about this yet, but it's Wednesday [picture of John Travolta from Grease explodes into a picture of John Travolta bald] Wednesday [picture of Britney Spears with hair explodes into a picture of her bald] Explosion [poster of Hair explodes into a poster of Bald] Wednesday [explosion at the back of Craig's head].
Ahhh ah ah [turns to reveal his balding spot to camera] that's why I don't have hair back there. [Faces camera again] Yeah, that's why! hehehehe... Shifty eyes shifty eyes.
Speaking of beauty, which is a subject that often comes up when I'm involved, [quotes from article] "the new Panasonic Lumix" ... Lummox? ... now I'm flummoxed ... "FX77 camera can take the red out of your eyes and add it to your lips and cheeks, whiten your teeth, change the size of your eyes, and can apply rouge, lipstick, or eye shadow." Pffft. Durr durr durr. I developed filters like that years ago. Look at the fan over there. See? Now it's Michelle Phan. [picture of Michelle Phan appears where the fan was] Looks a lot better, right? Alright, now let's put a makeup filter on. [Mimi's head (from The Drew Carey Show) appears where Craig's head used to be.] Oooh god, too much, too much, take it off, take it off! [Johnny Depp's head appears where Craig's head used to be.] Oh! Now I removed all filters. This is how i really look. Wheezy filter back on. [Craig's head is back.] There we go.
I like to downplay my beauty a little bit, stay in line with the common man. [speaking in an Italian accent] I do it for-a the people. [clears throat] My real accent came out there for a second.
Other beautiful things going on.
[reading from article:] Green AURORAS light up night sky. I assume that's what auroras sound like but they could sound like this. [sound of tinkling windchimes] Or like this. [music] I hope they don't sound like Kenny G.
[reading:] "A solar wind wreaked HAVOC on Earth's magnetic field yesterday setting off a daylong magnetic STORM that SPARKED brilliant green AURORAS."
[looks up] I appreciate when you spew beauty, Sun. Pound it. [Sun enters frame.] Nooo, don't pound it. I learned my lesson from last time. Head butt! [Head butts the sun] Owwwwww! Why did I think a head butt would be better? Aaaaugh! I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay. Ow. Don't headbutt the Sun, idiot. [Title on screen: Don't headbutt the Sun, idiot. - Craig Benzine.]
Now, anyone who watches my videos knows that I'm big into cars. I'm up on all the latest brands. The Pinto. Model T. Horse and buggy. Mystery Machine. Turbo-Teen, the teenager that turns into a car. Maybe it's the ridiculous amount of EXPLOSIONS per second but now scientists are trying to take that away from me.
[reading:] "New 'nanolube' could cut engine friction by more than half." Seems like nanolube could have another application. [raises eyebrows and makes funny face] [audience laughs] Help fit fat people onto the bus.
[reading, in a very mocking style:] "Dr. Guojun Liu, a chemistry professor at Queens University augmented a base automobile engine oils with nanoscale nya nya nya nya...." Okay, you get the idea. The point is the more nanotechnology there is, the less EXPLOSIONS there will be. This is bad news if we want EXPLOSION Wednesday to become a thing. But I guess it's good for society. [whispers:] Who cares?
In other news, [reading:] "EARTHQUAKES in Arkansas may be man-made, experts warn." It's already been established that this is the work of Quiet Clone. [Quiet Clone enters the frame in the background.] We know that he makes earthquakes happen when he's scared or excited. RIGHT, Quiet Clone?
[Quiet Clone makes a high-pitched sound as earthquake happens.]
[Mimi's head appears where Craig's was as he asks again:] RIGHT, QUIET CLONE?
[Quiet Clone makes another scared sound as earthquake happens.]
[Craig sighs, leans forward and hits play on some Kenny G music. Quiet Clone makes a long high-pitched noise as a long earthquake rumbles and things fall from Craig's bookshelf.]
[Craig:] Not sure if he's afraid or if he's excited by this.
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[outtakes:] Pfft. Pfffft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.
[shot of Craig playing Kenny G music:] This is the hardest thing I've ever had to film.
clone, song, Explosion Wednesday, singing rug, beardlovers, headlines, angry sun, Craig quotes, laugh track, Quiet clone, wink, outtakes
Quiet clone creating earthquakes is a reference to Quiet Quake.
Beauty 102 on YouTube