Beauty 101

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"Beauty 101"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 299
Original Upload date April 23, 2010
Running time 0:03:10
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro sunglasses outro
Wink submitted by HeyAwesomeBlossom
Great People
Guests: Mike Benedetto
Featured Clones
Episode chronology
← Previous
"The Crying Game"
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[slides in/singing rug] [pointing at his head. He doesn't move his mouth, but we can hear his thoughts.]
Hey beardlovers. The microphone can pick up my thoughts now. I worked on it for a long time. It was really hard to figure... Oh! Got a wedgie. Work that out. [Craig squirms in his chair.] Get it... Ahhh. Got it. Oh, you could hear that, couldn't you? Oh man. I'm embarrassed. [Craig's face turns red. Really really red.] Mommy! Mommy!
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
The good thing about this thought mic is that I'm super lazy and when I get too tired in the middle [he stops talking but his thought microphone continues] in the middle of a sentence, I can just finish with my thoughts and take a little rest. [He closes his eyes.] Ohhh, Scarlett Johansson naked... [Opens eyes and remembers the camera] Whoops! [Talks out loud again] Okay, there's the downside.
So I have trouble controlling my thoughts... [thought mic:] Boobies! ... sometimes.
Especially now when I don't have the internet in my apartment to occupy my thoughts. How am I supposed to catch up on the current news? [thought mic:] pornography.
The current NEWS. [thought mic:] Brangelina
The current NEWS. [thought mic:] Ex-girlfriends' new boyfriends.
Okay, moving on. I constantly receive this one question in the comments and I'd like to address it. Here's an example.
[shows comment by beautycritic:] How are you so good-looking? It's like you've been beaten with a beauty stick.
And that was written by beautycritic. Very particular about her beauty.
[thought mic:] They have no idea I just made this whole thing up. Heh. Well, now they do cause they can hear my thoughts. Rrrr! Angry! Rrrr!
Well, one of the secrets to my beauty is staying healthy. Which is why... I get out of bed [gets out of bed], usually with my clothes on...
[thought mic:] Oooh, look at that sexy body.
Did I just think that about myself? Weird.
I do a little exercising. One wall push-up. [Does a push-up against a wall, which propels him to the kitchen table]
Using that momentum, I grab my blueberry waffles [grabs plate with waffles] that my clones prepared for me [two clones standing side by side in kitchen, one holding the syrup. They speak in unison.]
[Clones:] I hate that man.
[Clone with the syrup:] Jinx!
[The other clone is pissed.]
Gotta be blueberry cause blueberries have blueberry in them. And that's healthy.
Not losing any momentum, I go into the bathroom where I poop and pee and what have you. [puts plate of waffles down outside the bathroom and enters bathroom]
No showering! Gotta save time! Beauty's in the eye of the beholder, not the nose of the beholder.
And then I'm done. Just like the coffee. [comes out of bathroom:] I love it when the coffee's done! [walks towards coffee] Coffee coffee coffee... [thought mic:] Boobies.... Coffee coffee coffee. [Drinks coffee]
[thought mic:] Ahhh, delicious coffee. I think I'm burning my tongue right now. Keep acting. Keep acting. Mmm. Coffee's so good.
Notice how I consolidated everything, saving lots of time. And time is money. We're talking about beauty, aren't we? Oh. Oh, well... You either got it or you don't. Sorry, kid. But beauty's about who you are. Not what you look like. Unless you look like this. [Points to himself]
[thought mic:] They don't notice the male-pattern baldness, do they? Nah. If you deny it hard enough, they won't see it. Nope. They don't see it.
Oh *shirt*, it's Free Bagel Friday.
[Craig's boss walks up to the bagels, singing:] This little bagel light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. [Craig walks up]
[Craig:] Gimme that bagel.
[Craig's boss:] Tell you what... [Craig pulls his arm back to punch his boss but stops]
{Craig:] What now?
[Craig's boss:] I give you two bagels, and you don't have to punch me.
[Craig:] That'll go straight to my hips.
[Craig's boss, looking at Craig's hips:] Oh?
[Craig:] Stop trying to ruin my beauty! [Punches his boss, who goes flying backwards and lands on the floor]
[Craig's boss:] Beauty's only skin deep. Under that it's organs and other things that are gross.
[Winker does sign language] [Text on screen: I don't know what she's saying! Someone get her a thought microphone.] [Winker winks (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
[Craig, standing over his boss:] Wait, is that sesame? Eh, two couldn't hurt. [bends down and takes another bagel. Turns and walks away]

Recurring elements

101 videos, singing rug, beardlovers, thought microphone, turning red from embarrassment, Scarlett Johansson, comments, clone, "I love it when the coffee's done!", *shirt*, Free Bagel Friday, wink


This is the first video with the thought microphone.

External links

Beauty 101 on YouTube