Be the Comet
|"Be the Comet"|
|Original Upload date||April 4, 2012|
|Intro||Wheezy beard intro|
|Wink submitted by||Matt Weber|
Chyna Pate (voice)
audiences in Orlando, Durham, Philadelphia, Hamden, Boston, New York
[The apartment is empty for a few moments. Then Craig pops in from beneath from the frame.]
I already did an intro like this. No, no, that one was different. I was wearing pants. And not thong.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Craig enters from the right of the frame, doing ballet movements.] Sashay, sashay, plié, revelé, pirouette. [Falls] Agh!
Been trying to figure out how to enter the frame now that I'm standing in my videos. I guess ballet isn't the answer. And I starved myself for, like, 20 minutes.
[Takes a bite of a raw potato.] Mmm. Mmm. There was no time to cook this potato. It was an emergency.
So today is EXPLOSION Wednesday. [As he speaks, his voice gets higher and higher.] It's a thing that I'm trying out. [higher] We'll see if it becomes permanent. [even higher] Not 100 percent sure we'll make it a thing or not. [gibberish at a very high pitch]
So in explosion news, [shows article] Lyrid meteor shower to light up the dark April skies.
Yes! Big meteor shower to happen overnight, April 21st and 22nd.
But hang on a second. Wait wait wait wait wait.
I have questions. Why is it called Lyrid meteor shower?
Well, me from further away from the camera, it appears to happen in the constellation Lyra.
Why is it called Lyra?
In Greek mythology, Lyra's associated with the myth of Orpheus.
Who the crap is Orpheus?
He was a musician killed by Bacchantes and then his lyre was thrown into the river. And then Zeus sent an eagle to take that lyre and put it into the sky. And then Zeus punched the eagle. That last part is speculation. But really good speculation based on my emotions. About eagles.
I like to punch them.
What are meteor showers anyway?
Well, this one consists of debris from a comet with an awesome name. C/1861 G-Thatcher. We'll call it Thatchmaster from now on. Or actually we probably won't even refer to it again.
So basically a meteor shower is a bunch of debris falling? Pfft. I can do that.
[speaking in unexcited monotone] Hey, look. [Throws mail and books over his head, which fall to the floor.] It's a frickin' meteor shower. [throws multi-colored pages over his head] It's a miracle of science. Yay. [throws dollars from his wallet into the air] Make it rain.
[A female voice from outside:] Hey! That guy's got money!
[Male voice:] Get him!
[Sound of pounding on door]
[Title onscreen: 1 minute later]
[Craig's lying on the floor.] All my money's gone. And I was gonna buy candy later. [Takes another bite of the potato.]
That last example was money. People do care about money, but they don't care about falling rocks and crap. Why do they care about meteor showers so much? When I see a meteor shower, I'm like, 'Oh hey look. A shooting star. Hmm.' [takes a bite of the potato]
You don't frickin' call up Walter Cronkite to put it on the evening news. Or whoever. I ... I get my news from the internet. How is Walter doing lately anyway? And how's that Cold War thing? They warm it up yet?
So is the reason people give a crap because it's big and mysterious and fiery and shooting in all directions? No, not Conan's hair. [picture of Conan] Meteors.
That could be the reason, but it would need something else for the media to swoon over it too.
[A clone in a tie emerges behind him:] I got an answer for you. Scheduling.
[Clone:] Scheduling. Meteors happen periodically. At a time we can predict.
[Craig:] Who are you?
[Clone:] Oh, I'm no one. A cog in the machine. Remember those goals you made?
[Craig:] Oh. [clears throat] Yes.
[Clone:] Well, since you put up those goals on the whiteboard, thanks to our free capitalist society, a whole organization formed around them to keep you in check. The Wheezy Bureau of Clerical and Departmental Affairs. [He looks through a doorway into the office, where black and white old-timey video is playing of an office scene.] We're the hidden corporate side of Wheezy Waiter Industries. Hang on a second. [yells into his phone] Buy! Sell! SELL! Sell, you junior executive maggot! [back to Craig] Anyway, we've noticed a failure to meet your goals recently.
[Craig:] Failure? Whatever do you mean?
[Corporate Clone:] Yes, particularly the... [yells into phone:] Buy! Buy! ... [focuses back on Craig] the four videos a week.
[Craig:] Yeah, well, I've been doing a lot of traveling. I just got back from an exhausting tour with my band. It's just really hard to keep it all straight in my head.
[Corporate Clone:] Sir, with all due respect, you need structure. Planning. Scheduling. So that your goals are met when you're away. So that people still give a crap about you. Be the comet!
[Corporate Clone:] Be the comet. The Lyrid meteor shower comes around once a year. It's stubborn. Steadfast. Stalwart. Stringent. Sturdy. St... Dependable. We know when it's coming so we make plans to watch it. We rally around it. Some people bring their little people. I believe they're called children. Be the comet.
[Craig:] You want me to make a better schedule?
[Corporate Clone:] Yes. And a more... [into his phone] Buy! No, sell! Buy then sell! ... [back to Craig] a more realistic one.
[Craig:] Okay. How about every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I upload a video in the afternoon.
[Corporate Clone:] Hmm. I like it. You've got moxie. And spunk. As well as pluck. And intestinal fortitude.
[Craig:] I eat a lot of roughage.
[Corporate Clone:] Monday, Wednesday, Friday. It just might work. He did it, boys. Hooray! [Now the old-timey black and white video has an audience applauding] Back to work! [On his phone again] Talk to me. [Unintelligible] I said dump the chemicals IN the Chicago River. I don't care if there are five orphanages downstream. Daddy's gotta take out the trash. [He goes back to the office.]
I'm sure it's all regulated. [Sound of a gunshot. Craig ducks. Looks around.]
[Wheezy Waiter outro]
[Craig pans past a cheering Playlist Live audience to Matt, who winks (ding)]
Alright, so expect Wheezy Waiter videos every Monday, Wednesday, Friday. I hope.
Did you know that you can get the Wheezy shoes right now for 30 dollars? That's right. They're on sale. Link in the doobly-doo.
And now that I've satisfied Corporate Clone, you can also donate to water dot org. We're raising money. Follow the link in the doobly-doo for that.
We're already halfway to our goal of 5000 dollars, and we have, like, 18 days left. Let's try to get to 5000 right now. If that happens, I'll raise the goal.
As you may know, I just got back from tour with my band Driftless Pony Club. I neglected to make videos on the road, because I neglected to make videos on the road. But I did get video of all the audiences. Here they are. [Shots of cheering audiences in Orlando, Durham, Philadelphia, Hamden, Boston, New York]
I forgot to get the Cleveland audience. I'm so sorry about that, Cleveland audience. But you looked something like this. [Photo of a huge gathering of people with Drew Carey superimposed in one part of the crowd.] Yeah, that's about right. We're real popular in Cleveland.
The conversation about Craig's goals refers to the list he shared in the main-channel video Listful.
Be the Comet on YouTube