Battleship Earth

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"Battleship Earth"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 359
Original Upload date July 28, 2010
Running time 0:02:35
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro sunglasses outro
Wink submitted by Kelton
Handstand Info
No. of Attempts 1
Did His Wallet Fall Out? Yes
No. Without the Wall: 0
Episode chronology
← Previous
"Life Finds a Way"
Next →
"Wheezy Waiter Goes Bananas"



[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Come here, I gotta show you something. [Camera moves closer to window] Come on! [And closer] Come on! [Camera looks out onto street below] See that down there? [Craig points] See it? Look closely. Alright, I'll zoom in. [Camera zooms in on the street] See? Check it out. EXPLOSION!
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
It's WEDNESDAY [turns to alternate camera angle] WEDNESDAY [turns back to main camera angle] EXPLOSION [The explosion propels Craig around the globe. We see Earth and Craig's head travels around it] Whoaaaaaaa! [slides in/singing rug] Wednesday. I just went all the way around the earth.
Should Explosion Wednesday be a thing? I'm not sure. I don't know.
You know the earth, right? That planet we live on? You know, it's got those monkeys and the animals and whatnot. Sisters-in-law. Aunt Judy lives there. Tapioca pudding. Skateboards. Movies based on board games [Poster for Clue]. Board games based on movies [Star Wars board game]. You know the planet I'm talking about, right? You know, the one that's gonna get blowed up in 2182? [gasps] You didn't know about that?
[shows article] Asteroid could threaten Earth in 2182. EXPLOSION! [shows graphic of asteroid hitting Earth] Scientists gauge risk at 1 in 1,000.
That's a risk I'm not willing nor physically capable to live long enough to take!
Still, knowing there's a tiny chance that could happen kinda makes me want to give up. See you guys. I quit. [Leans out of frame. Leans back in.] I just left the frame. I'm still here.
Hmm. I wonder what Craig with a Wig thinks of the end of days.
[Craig with a Wig:] Such is life. In with a whimper. Out with a... [mumbles]. I don't give a *shirt*.
[Theme song:] He's Craigity Craig, Craig with a Wig. [Craig with a Wig turns and smiles.] [toy piano key]
According to Time Magazine [shows article] they're making Battleship into a movie. No, seriously, they're making Battleship into a movie. [That's the headline.]
What's that movie gonna be like?
[Turns dramatically to alternate camera angle. Dramatic music plays as camera zooms in dramatically.] E2!
[Explosion on battleship:] I've been hit!
[In main camera angle, zoom and dramatic music] D7!
[Picture of a battleship and an explosion out in the water.] Miss.
[In alternate camera angle, Craig clears his throat as he zooms camera back out. Dramatic music and zoom in.] E3!
[Explosion on battleship:] I've been hit!
[In main camera angle, dramatic zoom and dramatic music .] D7!
[Craig in alternate angle:] You just said D7.
[Craig in main angle:] I mean... I meant D8. I meant D8.
[Craig in alternate angle:] Doesn't matter. D7 counts. You miss. [Picture of battleship and explosion out in the water.]
[Craig in main angle:] Agh! I really suck at remembering numbers and letters. Seems like the wrong profession for me.
So over the weekend, I drove to Milwaukee and I saw this on the highway. [Car on fire on the highway.] Yes, that's real footage. If you wanna see a couple of minutes of car on fire, click the link in the doobly-doo. When life gives you lemons, EXPLODE them.
I mean a lemon like a bad car that you buy. It's... when it's no good it's called a lemon. It's a saying.
It's handstand time. kwelblondie109 writes [shows comment] Can you please tuck your shirt in when you do a handstand? PLEASE?
Alright. [Craig tucks bottom of his shirt into the collar so his stomach is visible.] There we go.
[Standing by wall] Am I forgetting something? Nah.
[Does a handstand. Wallet falls out. Handstand over.] Oh yeah. [shows comment from Kezzybob:] You can tell it's a good handstand when the wallet falls out.
I guess it's another success, Kezzybob.
[Viewer pounds fists together, which starts to create a black hole but not quite. Viewer winks (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
[Craig sneezes. Explosion.] Whoa! That was an explosive sneeze. Sneezesplosion. Expleeze? I'm a dork.
[Turns to alternate camera angle and sings] Shiny shiny face, I'm sweating like hell. [hits key on toy piano]

Recurring elements

singing rug, beardlovers, Explosion Wednesday, alternate camera angle, Aunt Judy, headlines, Craig with a Wig, *shirt*, doobly-doo, comments, handstand, wallet falls out, wink, outtakes, "I'm a dork."

Related videos

The video of the car on fire on the highway can be seen here: Car on Fire.

External links

Battleship Earth on YouTube