Bagel of Destiny

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"Bagel of Destiny"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 274
Original Upload date March 19, 2010
Running time 0:03:07
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro Sunglasses outro
Wink submitted by iwanttoliveinparis
Great People
Guests: Mike Benedetto
Episode chronology
← Previous
"Dinosaurs vs Robots"
Next →
"H2 Uh Oh"



[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers.
[turns to alternate camera angle] Impression of that bald guy from the band OK Go. [puts on oversize red glasses with big round frames. Assumes a position like the bald guy from OK Go is standing in in a picture that fills half the frame.]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
I think the coffee's done. [leans in] I love it when the coffee's done! [Goes toward kitchen, falls before the kitchen door.]
[Desaturated video of Craig, wearing the same clothes and glasses, punching his boss. Craig laughs. There is a whooshing sound, like of wind over this footage, which is in slow motion.]
[Craig sits up, on the floor in front of the kitchen door, grabs his head. Stands up, goes into kitchen, returns with coffee, still holding his head.]
I think I just had a flash-forward. Similar to that new show on ABC. [shows promotional photo for Flash Forward] Did I have a vision of what will be? How long was I out? [looks at his phone] Oh, like 20 seconds.
It's March 19th? That's Bruce Willis' birthday. He's a good friend of mine. I'll give him a call.
[talking on the phone:] Bruce! Hey, it's Craig. Happy birthday!
[Bruce Willis, over phone:] What'd you say your name was?
[Craig:] It's Craig.
[Bruce Willis:] I have asked you repeatedly to call me Dad.
[Craig:] Okay... Dad. Happy birthday.
[Bruce Willis:] Welcome to the party, pal!
[Craig:] No, I'm... I'm actually not at the party. I'm in Chicago.
[Bruce Willis:] No *ding*ing *shirt*, lady! Do I sound like I'm ordering a pizza?
[Craig:] Okay, sarcasm. I got it. Yeah.
[Bruce Willis:] Come out to the coast. We'll get together. Have a few laughs.
[Craig:] No I can't, I'm in Chicago. I gotta go to work. Plus I just fell over and I kinda feel out of it.
[Bruce Willis:] It was an accident, right? You tripped? Slipped on the floor and accidentally stuck your *whistle* in my wife.
[Craig:] Whoa! No no! Your wife's not here.
[Bruce Willis:] Are you *ding*in' nuts?
[Craig:] Uh, no. I think you might be a little nuts, though. Your wife's not here.
[Bruce Willis:] Way wrong answer!! [sound of gunfire]
[Craig:] Did you just shoot somebody?
[Bruce Willis:] I have asked you repeatedly to call me Dad.
[Craig:] Dad? Did you shoot somebody?
[Bruce Willis:] Damn hamster!
[Craig:] You shot a hamster?
[Bruce Willis:] It seemed like a good idea at the time.
[Craig:] Um, listen, I gotta go, Bruce. I'll see you later.
[Bruce Willis:] Yippee ki-yay, mother*ding*er!
[Craig:] That doesn't work as a goodbye, really.
[Bruce Willis:] It's okay. I've done this before.
[Craig:] Okay. See ya. [hangs up]
Bruce has become a little bit [makes signal for crazy] since he became a fan of Lost. He thinks he's a candidate.
[Bruce Willis:] I don't belong here.
I thought I turned this off. [Flips phone closed again]
Oh *shirt* [takes off glasses] it's Free Bagel Friday!
[Craig's boss walks up to the bagels, humming. Craig walks up.]
[Craig:] Gimme that bagel.
[Craig's boss:] You don't ever let me get a bagel EVER! GRRR!
[Craig:] Alright, fine. [turns to go]
[Craig's boss begins to laugh. As he leaves, Craig puts on glasses, gasps, and sees the vision he had earlier of punching his boss and laughing, wearing those same glasses. He looks in the camera as his boss cuts the bagel behind him.]
[Craig:] It's destiny.
[Craig's boss:] Huh?
[Craig punches his boss, who flies backwards. Craig grabs the bagel.]
[Craig's boss, lying on the floor:] You control your own destiny.
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
[Craig's boss, lying on floor:] I want a destiny. [Talks like Darth Vader] Luke, it is your destiny. [breathes like Darth Vader] Destiny can suck it.

Recurring elements

singing rug, beardlovers, alternate camera angle, "I love it when the coffee's done!", *ding*, *shirt*, Free Bagel Friday, wink

External links

Bagel of Destiny on YouTube