[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Good morning beardlovers. Nice to see you! It's been a while. [smiles]
Oh shoot, I gotta travel through time. I'll be back in a moment. Time travel! [rotates in his chair a few times, stands up, almost falls over.] Oh, it didn't work. That's not how I time travel. That's how I cure rabies. I developed the spinning method to cure myself from rabies because I like to drizzle it in my coffee because it.... tastes... tangy. [looks off camera] Who wrote this? Oh, I'm talking to a blank wall? That's right. I wrote it. Let's go back to time travel.
I need to put on my time travel glasses. [puts on sunglasses. waves at camera] Later. [closeup on floor as Craig's feet leave floor as he jumps. shot of empty room. closeup of floor as Craig's feet land on it again] And I'm back. [sniffs his shirt] I've been wearing this shirt for too long. Wheezy Wardrobe change! [Craig stands with arms extended. Suddenly he's wearing a new outfit.] Yeah.
While I was in the past, I stole a bunch of money, decreasing the amount of bills in circulation, therefore increasing the value of the dollar. You're welcome, fiscal conservative America. [holding a bill] Twenty bucks. Time to deposit. [throws it up in the air]
[singing and dancing:] Get fiscal! Fiscal! I wanna get fiscal! Fiscal! [lying on floor, kicking his legs in the air]
Good news! The market has gone way up. I can expect a lot of interest. [change falls from above, hitting him] Ahh! In other news... [more change falls, hitting him] Ahh! Grr! In other news... [more change falls, he looks up] Damn you buyer confidence due to the US treasury's plan to buy bad assets from the balance sheets of banks! I hate that crap. [looking up] This bank in the sky is not working out for me. 'Bank in the sky' not 'banging this guy.' I think I need to create this bank that has these accounts that hold on to your interest instead of spitting it back at you. I'll call it a bank.
I have some bad news.
What's a good way to give someone bad news?
You could surprise them.
[Craig and a clone sit by side. Craig speaks suddenly, surprising the clone:] You're fired!
You could distract them.
[Craig:] Oh my god, what's that?
[Clone in blonde wig:] Hmmm?
[Craig:] Hahaha... I got you. Let's break up.
Or you could tell a joke.
[Craig:] Why'd the chicken cross the road?
[Craig:] Cause it has Hepatitis B.
[Clone:] I don't get it.
[Craig:] Oh you got it.
I remember how my mom surprised me.
[Craig at window as his hypothetical mother:] You're adopted. Get me a *ding*ing scotch.
So the bad news... I'm going down to two episodes a week. I just can't do it every weekday anymore. I need sleep. I need interaction with friends. I need to be at work on time. But then I'll have more energy for each episode.
Thank you all for your support of my Ford Fiesta video. If you haven't yet, take a look. Link in the describey.
Also, I'm going to try to do one live episode a week on BlogTV. You can subscribe to that. Link in the describey. Over here somewhere. [pointing]
Okay, Jadennation, why don't you give me two winks?
[Jaden winks (ding), gets hit in the head by a boomerang, winks again (ding). Starts playing theme on his guitar. Title: This has been "Two Wheezy-Winks." Jaden:] Wheezy Waiter!
[wheezywaiter.com youtube.com/wheezywaiter graphic only]
[outtakes:] Chicago is the rabies capital of the world. I use... I use the spinning to... ummm... immune myself from it... What am I talking about?
beardlovers, time travel, Sky Bank, song, clone, hypothetical mother, *ding*, describey, wink, outtakes
Bad News on YouTube