[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. It's the beginning of the school year again. [Holds up backpack] Remember to pack your notebook and some pens and pencils. I'd bring your own food 'cause school food? No way. [puts a carton of ice cream in his backpack] Hope Mr. Carlson didn't have a bad summer. He gets in such bad moods. Well, [waves] see you at school. [Starts to get up but sits back down] Oh wait. That's right. I'm 30. [Puts a bottle of Jim Beam in his backpack] I'm going to the beach. [Gets up]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Craig walks into his apartment.] It's raining. [Slams door. Angrily throws his backpack on the floor.] Why's it gotta be raining! [starts stomping and waving his arms. Stops himself.] Oh that's right. [Calms down.] I keep forgetting that I'm 30. [goes to sit down]
When you're outta school and you're an adult, you can do whatever you want. It's like summer three hundred and sixty five days a year. You can do whatever you want! Except when it's raining like today. Or when it's heartbreakingly cold seven months out of the year like in Chicago. Or when you're not independently wealthy and you have to have a job for money. Or you have to raise a family. That last one doesn't apply to me. Thank goodness I'm alone!
Feelin' lonely? Start a family. Those people are obligated to love you. [As he says this, the words appear onscreen beside him: Feelin' lonely? Start a family. Those people are obligated to love you. -Craig Benzine]
But all sadness aside, if you're starting school, here's some tips from someone who has experienced it all.
I mean, all of it. We were doing a trust fall in 8th grade and the person falling elbowed me in the eye, and I had to have surgery. It was horribly painful. I still see double when I look up. You can tell. [His glasses off now, he's looking up.] One eye actually goes higher than the other. Maybe you can't tell. It's subtle. Two eagles!! [Jumps into the air and punches with both fists. One fist hits the eagle, who's flying and squawking overhead.] Oh, that was just one. [Puts on his glasses] Still double glad I punched him, though.
Tip one. Avoiding bullies. [Text on screen: Avoiding Bullys] Run. [Text on screen: 1) Run.] Ruuuun! [Text on screen: RUUUUN!]
Tip two. Talkin' to girls. [Text on screen: Talkin' Ta Girls] Run. [Text on screen: 1} Run.] RUN! [Text on screen: RUUUUN!] That's what I did.
If you're a girl, don't just talk to the good-looking, popular kid. He's probably a jerk. Look for the kid who's running. You might wanna wear sneakers to catch up to them. Also, that funny guy that's your friend in study hall? He's not your friend. He wants to be your boyfriend.
Also, for both genders in study hall, if you have a computer or access to one, you should bring headphones and watch Wheezy Waiter. [wags his glasses] When you finish your studies. [whispers] Just kidding.
Gym class. [Text on screen: Gym Class:] Avoid running as much as possible. [Text on screen: No running.] You are gonna need your energy.
Also remember high school popularity has less relevance and it's more fleeting than anything. And if you are one of the popular kids, oh my... oh my god, could you sign my yearbook? Just... just a second. [goes to get up] I couldn't find it but just sign my hand. [Puts his palm up to camera. Pulls it away, making excited noises. Looks at it. Takes a picture of it with his phone.] My friends are gonna be so jealous! Oh, that's right. I'm 30. [looks at his hand again] And I smudged it.
Seriously, some day you'll grow up and none of that will matter at all. You'll get to own your own new couch!! [pans camera to couch] [He lies facedown on the couch beating a pillow with his fists] Wooooooooow! [Lies on his back. Throws a pillow in the air and kicks it. Rolls off the couch onto the floor.]
And you can be the person you wanna be and surround yourself with people who won't bother you if you are being the person you wanna be. I found a great group of good-looking people who allow me to be who I am. My clones.
[A clone emerges from the bathroom:] I hate you!
Well, except for Revenge Clone. Are you still alive?
[Revenge clone:] Yes. [Walks back into the bathroom.]
I have a friend who's exactly what he wants to be. Dull and boring. That's Ty the Regular Guy. If you don't know who that is, that means you're new to my channel. A while ago I had this micro-show within my own show called Ty the Regular Guy. There's 16 episodes and they're each about 20 whopping seconds long. You can click here to go to the playlist to watch all of them and catch up. [points to annotation] Because I'm about to show the new episode!
We last saw Ty on the run from the cops leaving my apartment in disguise. Here's the beginning of the riveting Season 3 of Ty the Regular Guy.
[Ty walks down the sidewalk, stops, turns, and shouts to the camera, which is across the street:] Hi! I'm Ty. I'm just a regular guy. [Titles appear as he says this and music plays.]
[Title on screen:] The Stairs
[Walking down the stairs, Ty takes off the blonde wig and hat. Looking down, he sees that the shoelace has become untied on his right shoe.]
[He bends down and ties his shoe. He stands back up, shakes his head and says something under his breath (like "geez" or something like that). He continues down the stairs.]
[Closeup of Ty on the sidewalk:] I'm just a regular guy. [Titles appear as he says this and music plays.]
Oh! He could have fallen down those stairs. Tune in next Tuesday for the next episode of Ty the Regular Guy. And again, click here to watch the playlist to catch up. Things do actually happen.
Stay in school. And if you're an adult, you've learned all you can learn. No hope for you anymore. [Banjo face]
[Viewer-submitted outro theme and wink (ding)]
Oh yeah, there is hope if you're an adult. To help others. Go to donorschoose dot org to help classrooms in need. And you don't even have to do that. You can go to amazon dot com slash intel, help get that video to 200,000 views, and Intel will donate 25 thousand dollars to Donors Choose dot org. And that video is part two of this video [points to an annotation] if you wanna watch that first.
It's raining even more now. I didn't grow up for this.
Happy birthday Mom! Thank you for creating me and allowing me to grow up [gets angry] even though it rains sometimes. Why'd you do that?!! I'm... it's probably not your fault, but if it is, why?!
singing rug, beardlovers, Craig quotes, eagle, new couch, Revenge clone, Ty the Regular Guy, banjo face, wink
Craig first discusses his eye injury in his video called Scars.
He encourages people to watch Competition 101 (continued) and annotates a link to Competition 101.
The Ty the Regular Guy playlist can be found at: http://bit.ly/tyisregular
Back to School Tips on YouTube
Ty the Regular Guy on Facebook