Average Hotel

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"Average Hotel"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 580
Original Upload date November 3, 2011
Running time 0:03:42
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Wink submitted by walrusking864
Great People
Guests: Matt Weber
Dave Ackerman
Handstand Info
No. of Attempts 1
Did His Wallet Fall Out? No
No. Without the Wall: 0
Episode chronology
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[slides in/jazzy singing rug]
I'm in a hotel! What can you do in a hotel? [As music plays, Craig jumps on the two hotel beds. Does a handstand. Turns on TV. Turns lamp on and off. Picks up phone. Strangles Matt, who makes dying sounds before falling to the floor.]
[crying] What have I done?! What have I done?!
Yep. That's about everything.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
For those of you worried about Matt, don't worry. I kept him alive. I still needed him to record the death sounds afterwards. [Behind Craig, Matt, sitting up, makes some sounds like he's dying.] Then I killed him.
[We hear Matt's voice, although he's out of frame:] No you didn't! I'm still alive!
[Craig:] No you're dead! Shut up!
[Matt:] I am still alive!
[Craig:] No you're not!
[Matt, between two couch pillows and under another pillow:] How could a dead man build a fort?
[Craig:] Oh, that's a good point, actually.
So anyway, I'm in Utah.
[Speech impediment guy:] Why ah you in Utah, Wheezy Waitoe?
'Cause I'm gonna be in a web series.
[Speech impediment guy:] Pwopah nomencwaytchuh wequiwed pwease.
Doctor Fubalous. [Text onscreen: Dr. Fubalous]
[Speech impediment guy:] Ah you the pwotagonist?
Nah, just a brief scene involving an octopus.
[Speech impediment guy:] Ooh, a personoh favowite of the cephawopods.
That's great. More info about the series in the doobly-doo.
Did you know that Utah's home to the famous Utah Valley Magazine? [holds it up] This one has celebrity lookalikes. Look! It's Cameron Diaz! [holds up the page with Cameron Diaz's lookalike.] [shakes his head]
So I flew here with Matt this morning. Flashback. [Ripple effect. Voiceover over the following footage]
So I thought I'd show you a nice view from the plane. [Shot out of the window. Camera moves from the window to Craig's lap.] Oop, oop, I must have left the camera on. Sorry about that.
[shoots "Life vest located under seat" sign] While it's good that a life vest was located under my seat, how am I supposed to get at it if I have to fasten my seatbelt while seated? [pans to other sign "Fasten seat belt while seated"]
The airline was nice enough to provide napkins. [Craig dabs his lips with the napkin.] Or devious enough to trick me into wiping my mouth on The Breast Cancer Research Foundation! [closeup of their logo on napkin]
In Sky Magazine I noticed that's it a laugh a minute with this spiked hair hat. [Shot of ad] Haha! Oops, that was two laughs. I guess I'll take the next minute off.
[Closeup of makeup artist Bobbi Brown] Bobby Brown changed a lot! [Before picture of Bobby Brown. After picture of Bobbi Brown] A LOT!
Then I tried to make a joke about this guy [closeup of a picture of a guy in the magazine] but his smile just made me happy. [Craig smiles]
[back in hotel]
And now I'm here in this average hotel room indeed. I'm not that picky about hotel rooms. People have all these silly worries about bacteria in the sheets, stains in the carpet, unwashed towels... A toilet that hasn't been cleaned for two months... Stories about grotesque albeit ambitious activities from lewd occupants... And that's just my apartment. Imagine how they'd feel about a hotel room, especially one that I've been in! Ugh! Gross.
The good thing about living like me is everywhere you go is a step up. [As he says this, the words appear onscreen beside him: The good thing about living like me is everywhere you go is a step up. -Craig Benzine]
Sure I have clones that do chores but I feel bad making 'em do too much so I send 'em to the alligator pit early. Benevolent.
[The hotel room door opens. Craig looks up in surprise. It's Dave Ackerman. In a towel.]
[Dave:] Brother Craig!
[Craig:] Oh no! Not you again.
[Dave:] You're back!
[Craig:] We're not brothers.
[Dave:] Just like old times, eh, brother?
[Craig:] We're not brothers.
[Dave:] Remember when we were kids?
[Craig:] We're not brothers!
[Dave:] You remember!
[Craig:] We're not... we're not even brothers.
[Dave:] You remember. You remember!
[Craig:] We're not brothers.
[Dave:] You remember.
[Craig:] We're not! Why don't you wear clothes?
[Dave:] Hermano! Mein bruder!
[Craig looks at the camera]
[Dave:] Mon frere! Mio fratelli!
[Craig:] It doesn't matter what language you say it in...
[Dave:] Xiong di! Moshi moshi!
[Craig:] How did you get in here?
[Dave:] I grabbed a bunch of keys from the front desk. [Dave throws the keys at Craig one by one. They hit him in the face.]
[Craig:] Okay! Yeah, I get it!
[Dave:] I tried all the doors. I'm smart! Like you! It's in the genes! You, me, and Dad.
[Craig:] I've never met your dad.
[Dave:] You remember Dad. He misses ya.
[Craig:] You don't know my dad!
[Dave:] Nobody really KNOWS Dad. But he tries his best. He's a closed individual.
[Craig:] That's not my dad.
[Dave:] Craig! Brothers hug! [He widens his arms.]
[Craig recoils:] Oh god! Oh!
[Dave:] Come on!
[Dave walks towards Craig, arms extended for a hug.]
[Craig:] Ugh! [Scary music plays as Craig gets up and retreats] I will not!
[Craig throws pillows at Dave]
[Dave:] Oh Craig. Come on!
[Craig continues throwing pillows at Dave, does a barrel roll over one of the beds.]
[Dave, still following him for the hug:] Craig!
[Craig jumps on the other bed, trying to get over it. Dave grabs his shirt.]
[Craig, struggling to get away:] Oh god!
[Dave:] Don't reject me.
[Craig, escaping Dave's grip:] Your hands are clammy!
[Dave:] I'm nervous!
[Craig runs to the hotel room door.]
[Dave:] Craig, come on!
[Craig opens the door and runs down the hallway, looking over his shoulder. Dave follows him out into the hallway.]
[Dave:] Craig! Craig, come back! [As Dave follows Craig down the hallway, his towel falls. A black box censors his butt.] Don't go! Brother! Brother!
[Viewer-submitted outro theme and wink (ding)]
[Dave sits, reading Utah Valley Magazine. Looks at the Cameron Diaz lookalike.]
[Dave:] It's uncanny! They're sisters!
[Craig comes out of the bathroom wearing a towel, rubbing his head with another towel, singing to himself:] Save tonight... Fight the break of... [Dave sees him and slowly stands. Craig sees him and freezes.]
[Dave:] You see? We ARE brothers!
[Craig looks down, back at Dave, rolls his eyes, and walks back into the bathroom. Dave extends his arms for a hug and then lowers them, still smiling.]

Recurring themes

singing rug, handstand, speech impediment guy, doobly-doo, Craig quotes, wink

Related videos

This character thinking he's Craig's brother also appeared in A Family Affair and Wheezycon.
The line "And now I'm here in this average hotel room indeed" (and the title of the video) are both references to JULIAN SMITH - Nice Hotel.

External links

Average Hotel on YouTube