|Original Upload date||February 16, 2011|
|Intro||Wheezy beard intro|
|Outro||video game outro|
|Wink submitted by||Clint8561|
[slides in/singing rug]
Hahahahahaha! Hahahaha! Woo! Hahaha! [sighs] Explosion!
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Hey, beardlovers, guess what? It's Wednesday, Wednesday, Explosion Wednesday! Possibly maybe? We'll see. Far far far too early to tell.
And for those of you commenting that you dislike Explosion Wednesday, you can't dislike something that isn't even real. That's like disliking vampires. Or Joan Rivers. Or Explosion Wednesday. That's the first half of the simile. Tom Hanks. I... I don't believe he's real. Have you ever seen him? Me neither.
[Picture of an article] "Europe's heaviest payload over will blast off into space." They're calling it Kepler. After Johannes Kepler. [picture of Kepler] No, that's not a severed head on top of a cake. That's Johannes Kepler. [Kepler's Wikipedia page] According to his Wikipedia page, he's a German smart dude who did things like nova, mathematics, comet, marriage, super nova, second marriage, cultural legacy. I felt like that warranted an explosion.
[Article] "The unmanned spaceship is the ESA's first operational ATV and will deliver over seven tons of essential supplies to the International Space Station." Yeah. Unmanned. [A clone sweeping the floor enters the frame behind Craig.] [Craig attempts to stifle laughter]
[Clone:] Hey, are you laughing?
[Craig:] Alright fine. I smuggled a clone on board. Zoom in the picture. [Can see a clone on the inside of the shuttle. Clone looks terrified.] See? Look. He's enjoying himself.
[Clone:] He'll die.
[Craig sighs in exasperation:] I gave him enough food and oxygen for when he lands safely on Earth, which is... when is it? Let me check.
[Craig reading the article:] "It will stay at the ISS until early June." [turns to the clone] See?
[Clone:] What else does it say?
[Craig reading the article:] "When it will be loaded with liquid and solid waste before beginning its journey back towards Earth, burning up in the atmosphere over the South Pacific Ocean." Ohhhh. Well, he always wanted to visit the South Pacific. Ocean. Miles above. Buried in waste. On fire.
[Craig:] Aww, I resent that. Get to the alligator pit!
As many of you know, I love coffee, particularly when it's done. I think it's the ultimate mental pick-me-up. [The clone who was about to jump into the alligator pit runs into the kitchen instead] But I found this article that lists others.
[Craig reads article:] "Brain boosters." The only cool thing about the article is that it's from the future. [Highlights the date on the article: February 26 2011] It mentions substances like tea... Psssh... what is this? Golf? I mean really. I mean really. Glucose. [Raspberry] L-theanine. Durrrr! Guarana. Blaaaah. Caffeine. [Begins to make raspberry, stops himself and clears his throat] That's... that's okay.
But this article talks about things that are different than the things I'm used to and that makes me skeptical. And I think the coffee's done. I love it when the coffee's done. Skepticize my way to the coffee. [On his way to the kitchen, Craig stops and looks skeptically into the camera] Hmmm. I don't remember putting this here. [Picks up mug off the top of the coffee maker. Pours coffee into mug. Goes to drink it two times but hesitates. As he leans forward to drink it, the coffee mug explodes.]
[Clone:] Ack! Still alive!
[Craig:] You tried to kill me after I sent you to the alligator pit? Rude. [Clone runs into the bathroom. Wheezy touches and begins feeling his beard.] Trimmed my beard. Thanks. Little rough down here. [rubbing his neck] I'll take care of that later.
[Clone, from offscreen:] I'll get you! Next time.
[Craig:] Great. Now I have a revenge clone after me.
[A boy stands next to a clone of himself.]
[Boy:] Hey clone?
[Boy:] Explosion! [Clone explodes] [wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
Thank you to everyone who has supported my band, Driftless Pony Club, and bought our new album. You've caused this to happen. [banjo face]
You may have noticed we're also selling the t-shirt/album bundle. And we only have a limited amount. And we've already sold half of them. So if you want one, you better get one or it's gonna be [the picture of the DPC t-shirt album bundle explodes] ... well, it'll be gone but not... not exploded. That was just for dramatic effect.
Now if you don't mind, I'm going to eat my Chinese food hopefully without incident. [sound of a faint explosion. Craig's body lurches.] Internal explosion.
singing rug, Explosion Wednesday, beardlovers, headlines, Wikipedia, Astronaut clone, alligator pit, "I love it when the coffee's done!", Revenge clone, wink, banjo face, Driftless Pony Club (DPC), merchandise
Astronaut Clone on YouTube