[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. It's August 10th, my sister's birthday! Happy birthday sister! Did you know I have a sister? Did you know it was August 10th? You didn't even know it was August? Who are you people? Get outta bed, you deadbeat. Do something with your life.
But watch this video and six or seven other videos of mine first.
I could see how that could be considered gross.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Yes, I have a sister. And it's her birthday. Here's a picture of her. [Craig with long hair superimposed over his hair] It's always really hard to convince people we're related.
It was also so hard to grow up with such a beautiful sister whereas I'm Captain Uggles.
Uggles, not uncles.
She's my sister, not my niece.
Uggles as in ugly. It's slang. Sometimes I do things with words.
I have an uncle named John. He's married to Aunt Judy. There. I mentioned your husband to keep you interested, Judy!!
It's time for the thrilling conclusion of Season 2 of Ty the Regular Guy.
[Opening credits. Music plays as Ty, wearing a blonde wig and black moustache and carrying an automatic rifle, enters Craig's apartment. As he says the following line, the words appear on the screen as the opening titles:] Hi. I'm Ty. [Pulls off wig and moustache] I'm just a regular guy. [Notices he still has the rifle raised. Lowers it.]
[Title on screen: Visitor Part 2]
[Craig comes out of the bathroom, pulls up his pants:] I had to cut it short.
[Ty, writing in a notebook, watches as Craig walks towards the door. Ty slightly raises a gun.]
[Craig opens the door.]
[A man at the door:] My name is Detective Jack Travis. I have reason to believe that you are harboring a wanted man.
[Craig looks behind him. Ty's not at the table.]
[Craig:] Uh.... I... I... um... I don't... know what....
[The detective grabs Craig's shirt and pushes him back into the apartment:] Where is he? [Punches Craig.] Where is he? [punches Craig again]
[There is a gunshot and the detective falls to the floor.]
[Ty stands in the doorway, wearing a hate, blonde wig, moustache, and a silver jacket. He's holding a gun in one hand and his notebook in the other.]
[Detective:] Who are you?
[Ty:] I'm just a regular guy. [Looks into the camera.]
[Ty sighs deeply:] It's dangerous to run indoors. I'll walk. [He puts the gun in his waistband and walks out of the apartment.]
[Craig:] You're so normal!
[Ty walks down the stairs.]
[Craig:] How am I gonna dispose of this body? Alligator pit?
[The detective lies on the floor, not moving. His eyes open. Dramatic music.]
[Craig:] Oh! He's still alive.
[End credits. Music plays as Ty says to the camera (and words appear on the screen as end titles):] I'm just a regular guy.
Thus ends Season 2 of Ty the Regular Guy. I have it all planned out. There's gonna be four seasons. [Picture of album by Frankie Valli & the 4 Seasons] Not that four seasons. Holy crap! They're falling from the sky! [shows picture of album again] They should be terrified. But they're not. That guy's terrified. [closeup of one of the men] I like that guy. He gets it. You say jump, he jumps. You say fall from the sky, he's terrified as hell.
Alright, let's news it up. Talk about the news.
[shows article] Japan apologizes again for colonial rule of Korea.
Luckily I have some actual audio of the conversation.
[Shows picture of Japanese prime minister:] Aw yeah, man, I... I really feel bad about this. I'm really sorry.
[Picture of South Korean president:] You forced about 200,000 of our women to be sex slaves.
[Japanese prime minister:] Yeah. Aw man, yeah, that sucks. That was, like, uncool. Uncouth even. Is that... is that a word? Am I using that word right? What does that mean?
[South Korean president:] Uncouth means lacking good manners, refinement, or grace.
[Japanese prime minister:] Yeah, uncouth, man. That was for, like, 20-some years.
[South Korean president:] 35 years.
[Japanese prime minister:] Right. 35. That must have been horrible for you guys.
[South Korean president:] I was four when it ended. I don't remember any of it.
[Japanese prime minister:] Lucky for you, right? [laughs]
[Picture of South Korean president]
[Japanese prime minister stops laughing. Clears throat:] Yeah, I'm just... feel bad.
[South Korean president:] Are we done here?
[Japanese prime minister:] I was wonder... well... you wanna go catch a... a movie? Like, I hear Inception...
[South Korean president:] We're done here. Goodbye.
[Japanese prime minister:] Yeah, right. I'll just... I'll just go do some Japanese stuff... for, like... I don't know... I'll eat some szechuan chicken or whatever. Oh, that's Chinese. I'll have some sushi.
My Wheezy reporters risked their lives for that audio. And then they died.
They were my clones. I sent them to the alligator pit as usual.
Well, one of them was an intern, but he kinda had bad breath. So... no big deal.
Talking really fast up close to the camera.
In other apology news, [shows article] football star Emmitt Smith apologized to the Florida Gators for not mentioning them in his Hall of Fame speech.
[Closeup of picture of Emmitt Smith:] Aw man, I'm really sorry I forgot about that.
[Picture of Florida Gator logo:] [Growling]
[Emmitt Smith:] Uhhh.... So we're good then?
[Picture of Florida Gator logo:] [Growling]
He then also apologized to South Korea who we colonized back in the 90s. It was sort of a co-colonization with him and Doc Emmett Brown. Emm'i/e'tt Land. Where greatness is emitted. Great Scott! I just... wanted to say that.
Let's do a handstand before I get any more dorky. [Does a handstand. The wallet falls out.] Booyah! Did I just say "booyah"? I think I did get more dorky.
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
[DPC music playing in the background]
All previous videos that have an episode of Ty the Regular Guy linked in the doobly-doo. When I get around to it. And I'll probably make a playlist as well. When I get around to it.
I don't know if you know this but I'm in a band called Driftless Pony Club, the music that's playing behind me right now. Not behind me. Underneath my audio. For the next few days, we're gonna be recording a new collection of songs. That's just between me and you. Just me and you. That means it might be difficult for videos to be made for the rest of the week, but we'll see what happens. Fall from the sky! [Closeup of guy on the album] Spot on.
singing rug, beardlovers, Aunt Judy, Ty the Regular Guy, alligator pit, headlines, clone, Back to the Future, handstand, wallet falls out, wink, doobly-doo, Driftless Pony Club (DPC)
Detective Jack Travis - Jake Jarvi
Apologizers on YouTube
Ty the Regular Guy on Facebook