[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Guess what? Today's Super Tuesday. And I'm not referring to the day that the most states in the United States hold primary elections to decide a Republican nominee for president. I'm talking about my own personal Super Tuesday. The day I use deodorant. Once every four years.
[sniffs his right armpit and yells in shock] I think I forgot to use it on that side. [sniffs his left armpit] Mm. There we go. I may have accidentally used butter. That's good 'cause I'm eating corn on the cob later.
[Mimes rotating corn on the cob in his armpit and then eats it, making sound of munching on it. Rotates it in his armpit again. Eats.] [Text onscreen: Dramatization] Needs salt. [Weeps over the invisible corn on the cob. Resumes eating.] Mmm. That's better. Mmm. [Eats]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[licking his fingers] Mmm mmm mmm. Delicious hypothetical corn cob meal. [Opens his mouth] [text onscreen: hypothetical burp] [Rubs his stomach] [Text onscreen: hypothetical indigestion] [Actual sound of stomach rumbling] [Text onscreen: REAL indigestion] How's that possible?
So beardlovers, I've been working on my acoustic guitar solos lately. And earlyly. And mid-afternoonly.
Check it out. [prepares to play on his green guitar] You're probably wondering why I have a guitar over there [points to the one on the wall] but I play this one. I like to make that one watch. Yearn. Forever swimming in a pool of its own jealousy.
Having a jealous environment is useful creatively.
Jealousy is the best motivator. Even better than money, unless your goal is to print better money. [These words appear onscreen as Craig says them: Jealousy is the best motivator. Even better than money, unless your goal is to print better money. -Craig Benzine] 'Cause then the current currency is what you're jealous of so jealousy and money are kinda the same... they kinda overlap.
[Turns his head and a musical note appears over his sideburns] Side note. I'm so jealous of Canadian money. [Picture of Canadian bills appears onscreen] Look at how colorful it is. In Canada, it only costs 185 dollars to buy a rainbow. In America you have to be a leprechaun. [A leprechaun scurries up to Craig's mouth. He swats the leprechaun away.] Agh! Leprechaun's always after my gold teeth.
In the comments, I often see stuff like this. [shows comment by frankohobbs:] You look left a lot.
That's 'cause some day I hope they put me on Canadian money. [Craig is superimposed on Canadian bills. He sings:] O Canada!
Anyway, acoustic guitar solo. Here goes. [Starts playing. It's an electric guitar riff we hear.] Oh, hang on a second. [adjusts one of the tuning pegs. Plays. Electric guitar riff continues.] Gah! Agh, I hit a C sharp instead of a D. More like D-sgusting. Or D-nounced by the music community for sucking.
Sorry, guys. I may be overreacting. I... I've been kind of in a weird mood since I got back from India. Just trying to adjust, you know, 'cause in India everyone looked at me all the time. And I assume it's because I'm gorgeous.
And not because I was the only American in sight. Come on, don't be racist.
But since I got back I'm questioning my beauty because no one's looking at me.
Wait, that could be because I've never left my apartment. I gotta go outside and share my beauty with the world. [Gets up and walks toward door.] Give people something to be jealous of. Do 'em a favor.
[Steps outside and yells.] I'm beautiful!
[Walks down sidewalk] I'm beautiful! Hey! I'm beautiful!
And I'm from America! Sometimes that worked. I'm from America! I'm a beautiful American!
Maybe this'll get their attention. [holds up guitar and plays. The electric guitar riff from earlier continues. We see Craig across the street playing the guitar and dancing as electric guitar riff continues and cars pass by.] I'm beautiful. [stops playing] Americans don't understand beauty.
[Wheezy Waiter outro]
[VIewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Craig, standing on sidewalk, being filmed by the camera across the street, calls out to some people who are crossing the street:] Would you be able to do me a favor? Walk past me?
[Guy crossing the street:] Walk past you?
[Guy:] No thanks, man.
[Craig:] Okay, fine.
[Craig, superimposed on Canadian bills, sings:] O Canada.
singing rug, beardlovers, Craig quotes, side note, leprechaun, comments, wink, outtakes
American Beauty on YouTube