[Craig is offscreen] Hey beardlovers. Over here! [shot of Craig's computer and empty chair] Not there. Over here! [closeup of Craig] Boom! Eat beard! [puts beard up to camera]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Too much salt this time, huh?
[back in his chair in his regular position]
I'll dilute it. [splashes a cup of water on his beard. Water runs off his face and beard] For later.
Hmm. [stands and shows a water stain right near his crotch] That's unfortunate.
Or maybe that gives me license to just go... you know.
[Sits and sighs.] Ahhhhh. [to camera:] I'm sitting on a pillow. [holds up pillow to show us] It's really comfortable. [sits and sighs] Ahhhh. [to camera:] Now I'm peeing my pants.
It's time for No *Shirt* News.
[shows headline] Avatar unstoppable at box office.
[Craig is not wearing a shirt] No *shirt*.
[with his shirt back on] That's right. Avatar has made lots and lots of money. And that's not surprising because it was a really, really good movie ... ad campaign.
I've never seen Avatar. I don't know if it was any good. But it did have a massive ad campaign.
I don't actually need to see it because I have my own avatar. I live it.
[holds finger to brow, communicating with his avatar] Go to the store. Get me some chips and salsa. Go now! Don't stop! Run! Run!
[Craig's clone runs across the street outside.] Chips and salsa! Chips and salsa! Chips and salsa! Chips and salsa! Chips and salsa! [sound of car screeching] Whoa!!!! [screeching brakes. sound of impact. sound of a baby crying.]
[Craig drops his finger from his brow, looks concerned, then smiles awkwardly.]
The point is effective advertising usually leads to effective sales. It has little do with quality. I'm doing pretty good on YouTube these days. [laughing] You think that has anything to do with quality? It's because I send a quarter of a million dollars to the vlogbrothers every day to be on their favorites list. Did you know I'm a billionaire? Yep. How do you think I paid for all of this? [gestures to indicate his apartment] [smiles]
This shirt is actually made of pure gold. I painted it blue. Gold's not my color.
The only thing that might be able to compete with Avatar with the right distributor is Ty the Regular Guy.
[Ty is sitting on a couch between two lamps. Music plays and titles appear as he speaks:] Hi. I'm Ty. I'm just a regular guy.
[Title on screen: Picture Frame]
[Ty notices a picture frame is crooked.]
[He straightens the frame, which holds a picture of a dog's face. He looks at it. Nods slightly. Turns and walks away.]
[Ty is back on the couch. Music plays and titles appear as he speaks:] I'm just a regular guy.
That popping noise you heard at the end was not your Facebook chat. Let's be serious. Who would chat with you on Facebook? By you, I mean me.
Oh wait! The coffee's done. I love it when the coffee's done! [gets up and pushes chair towards kitchen, leaps and spins in the air, lands in the chair, spins in the chair, throws blankets up in slow motion with accompanying music. A clone walks up. Craig turns and punches him. Music stops. Craig runs into the kitchen.]
[sits down with his coffee] For those of you in the comments that don't believe I drink real coffee, see? [shows contents of the cup. Screen is labeled: Truthcam] See? There's coffee in there. See that? [extreme closeup of Craig sipping coffee]
frednthegreatperhaps, you know what to do.
[A figure made of clay waves, turns and winks (ding), turns head and winks (ding)]
Fred, what happened to your nipples?
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
pianomanIN2009, I'm not going to say what you asked me to say because I don't agree. [shows comment] But I do love it when you say, "you should say 'I love it when people say they love it when I say I love it when the coffee is done.'"
Commenters, any more suggestions on what I should say?
There's one more thing. Oh yeah, someone.... [falls over and onto the floor] [comment by Ukuleleism]
[Comment on screen from Telegmo: Michael Vick's dogs could have really used the ability to tweet. I'm just saying.]
beardlovers, "eat beard!", *shirt*, headlines, chips and salsa, clone, Ty the Regular Guy, "I love it when the coffee's done!", truth cam, wink, comments
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