[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Notice something new in my apartment? [A floating arrow floats downwards pointing down towards the floor, where there's a new rug] Huh? [Craig gets up and starts walking towards rug] Brand... new... COUCH! [Jumps on the couch and the arrow shifts to point at the couch.] Yay! Yay! [jumps up and down on the couch] Also, brand new floating arrow. [points at the arrow]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So guess what? I have some other news. Somebody may have a special event that might be coming up soooooon. [Text onscreen: Somebody may have a special event that might be coming up soon.] Change soon to tomorrow, replace special event with birthday, make somebody me, omit may, change have to has, take out 'that might be.' [The text onscreen now reads: Me has a birthday coming up tomorrow.] [Then it changes to: Craig has a birthday coming up tomorrow.] Yaaay!
You know when you're younger and have a birthday, it's awesome! You get special treatment. [The header for a list appears onscreen and as Craig talks, things get added to the list. Benefits of Young Birthday - Special Treatment] Cake. [Text: -Cake] Presents. [Text: - Presents] One step closer to legal milestones [Text: - Closer to Milestones] , like in the US driving at 16 [ - Driving at 16]. Lottery tickets at 18 [- Lottery at 18]. Social security number at zero [- SS at 0]. The ability to know right from wrong in a courtroom at 8 [Age of reason 8].
I will never hire a lawyer under 8 years old again. [A list appears onscreen: Consequences of 8-year-old lawyer] They will plea bargain for Skittles [- Plea bargain for Skittles]. And don't get me started on nap time! [- Lots of NAP TIME!]
When you're older, all you have to look forward to is senior citizen discounts. [A new list starts onscreen: Benefits of Old Birthday - Discounts], social security withdrawal [- SS withdrawal], first dibs on the front seat of a bus [- Good bus seating]. Don't get me started on nap time! [- Lots of NAP TIME]. And death. [-Death]
I think I'll save death for last. [These words appear beside him as he says them: I think I'll save death for last. - Craig Benzine]
I need to figure out how to put off this death thing so it's super last. Hey, here's an article! [shows article] 15 minutes of fitness a day can add 3 years to your life.
Three years? Huh. Looking at that rationally, that seems great, but let's do a few calculations. [Leans towards his computer and mumbles to himself while calculating.] [Mumbles] Carry the something...
Okay, say I live for 50 more years, that would be 190 days of exercise [Text on screen: 50 years 15 min per day = 190 days of exercise] to gain three years [adds 3 years]. Wow! [Text onscreen: WOW] Nuh uh! [nuh uh]
Over half a year to gain three years? Nuh uh. [nuh uh]
What if we shorten the exercise time a little? Say to 1 second. 15 minutes gives you three years [15 min exercise per day adds 3 years] and 15 minutes is 900 seconds [15 min = 900 seconds], then 3 years is 94 million 608 thousand seconds [3 years = 94,608,000s] Divide that by 900 [94,608,000/900] You get a hundred and five thousand one hundred and twenty seconds [= 105,120 seconds] added to your life for 1 second of exercise a day. [added to life for 1 second of exercise per day.]
That's 29.2 hours [105,120s = 29.2 hours] added to your life. Over a day! All you gotta do is exercise for one second every day.
1 second, 29.2 hours. Now that's value.
What can you do with that extra time? You can watch 29 episodes of 24. Make a whole YouTube video. [Clip from Man Eats Sandwich plays for a moment in a box on screen.] Make over a complete rotation assuming the universe works the same then. You can have Tylenol 8 Hour four times 'cause you're gonna be in a lot of pain. You're old. You can tie the record for world's longest nonstop paddleboard voyage set by Cynthia Aguilar at exactly 29.2 hours. Can't beat it, though. Sorry. Maybe you should've exercised longer per day.
Guess I better get started adding time to my life. [Prepares to start the stopwatch on his iPhone] And begin. [Presses it. Does a dumbbell curl.] And end. [Presses it again.] Whew. Good workout today. [Puts dumbbell down.]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Title on screen: 29.2 hours until Craig's death]
[Craig with very long hair coughs as he plays with his phone. Talks like an old man.] After all this years, I can't believe I never got a new phone. Oh! Hahaha! Knocked all the pigs down! Ha! These birds. They're still angry. [Closes his eyes.] Oh. Gettin' sleepy. Maybe I should go lay down on my new couch. [His head drops as he falls asleep. He snores loudly.]
[Box in corner of screen shows footage from the 'Making of' video with text beneath it: go to wheezywaiter.com for the making of this video.]
singing rug, new couch, Craig quotes, headlines, wink
In this video, there's a clip from Man Eats Sandwich.
Making of 'Add Time to Your Life'
Add Time to Your Life on YouTube