[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Huh, the monitor looks different. Whoa! New couch! [lying on his couch] New couch! [standing on his couch] New couch! [throws a cushion] New couch! New couch! New couch! New couch!
I need to learn to look behind me more often. There could be embarrassing things back there.
[Arrow points to misplaced pillow on the floor. And underwear.] Probably not, though. [And spray on hair dye. And blow up doll.] Doubt it.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So beardlovers, not to brag or anything, but remember when we totally crushed Shay Carl in the Supernote competition? [points to trophy] And won this trophy? [notices the bottle of spray on hair dye] How did this get here? Hehe. Hehe. [Carries it towards kitchen.]
Well now it seems like Shay's trying to win over public opinion by helping people be aware of green technology or some junk.
GE sent him on a roadtrip to tag different green technologies all over the US. Pffft. I'm way greener than Shay Carl. [notices his underwear on the floor. gets up and heads towards them. When it cuts to next shot, the underwear is gone.]
Examples. I shower with my clothes on. Double duty. Clothes and body wash. If I ever shower at all. [Craig sniffs his shirt and walks away from shower.] Which is practically never. High tolerance for stench.
[There is now a clone behind Craig, sweeping.] Sure, I make clones, but I have them killed right after they're done with their chores. [The clone, still holding the broom, jumps into the alligator pit, yelling as he falls.] Saving on oxygen. [Alligator munches.] And making alligator fertilizer. Did he take the broom with him?
And I rarely have to use transportation because I'm friendless and alone. [Craig sits on his new couch alone.]
So yeah, as you can tell, the way I live [gestures widely] is pretty awesome [spots the blow up doll]. [Grabs it and walks towards kitchen] That's just a pool floatie.
The city of Chicago in which I live is awesome too. We've got lots of parks, green rooftops, farmers markets, and gardens. Including a place called City Farm, which is a sustainable vegetable garden. I went there the other day. I mean, I go there like every day, 'cause... just to hang out, 'cause I'm so green. I know I said I don't ever leave the house. I do for that one reason. That's it. Let's... let's roll the footage. Oh that's right, I'm alone. I'll do it. [Leans towards computer]
[Craig walking down sidewalk, looking at his phone and looking around:] City Farm... City Farm.... [He's walking past a big sign that says City Farm] Where the crap is City Farm?
City Farm is a sustainable vegetable farm right near downtown Chicago. They supply restaurants, farmers markets, and disadvantaged populations. Go to resourcecenterchicago dot org to find out how to volunteer like me. [Shot of Craig lying down between rows of vegetables.] Hmm. This row is uncomfortable. [Walks to another row and lies down.] This row's better. [Craig twitches in his sleep.] Huh. Thought sleeping out here would alleviate my nightmares. Guess not. It's also a great place to frolic. [Craig hops and twirls, dances a little] Or whatever it is that I'm doing. [Dancing backwards, he trips on something. Matt, who's filming, laughs. Craig walks away.]
All produce is grown in composted soil generated from various sources such as local restaurants. [Craig is looking at something.] That's one big pile of *shirt*. [Camera pans to pile. Text on screen: Actually, compost from organic materials.]
[Shooting through slats of a fence. We can see bees.] That's where they keep the bees. They harvest 'em and then they eat 'em. [Craig is looking through slats of the fence.] Some people are allergic to bees.
[Matt:] Yeah, Macaulay Culkin is allergic to bees.
[Craig:] Macaulay Culkin's allergic to bees?
[Matt:] There was a documentary about it.
[Craig:] A documentary about how Macaulay Culkin was allergic to bees?
[Matt:] Yeah, it was called My Girl.
[Craig:] I would hate to be a bee. Be surrounded by bees all the time. [The words appear on the screen as he says this: I would hate to be a bee. Be surrounded by bees all the time. -Craig Benzine]
[Matt:] But you're a human. And you're always surrounded by humans.
[Craig:] I hate being a human.
[Matt:] What animal would you be?
[Craig thinks for a couple of moments:] A gopher.
[Shot of sprinkler]
Alright! Water rope! [Craig runs up and tries to jump in the air above the water coming from sprinkler.] Pants are wet! [Runs away]
[Craig, lying down again, gets watered by someone who is watering the vegetables. Craig then walks towards camera, drying his glasses on his shirt.]
[Craig stands next to fence.] Hey chickens, [shot of chickens] I think you're kinda cool. But I eat you all the time. That cabbage looks pretty good. [Pans to chickens who are eating cabbage.]
He's the Parkour chicken! [Shot of a chicken up on the edge of a doorway] What's he gonna do? What's he... [The chicken jumps down] Oh! Oh-ho! Wow!
It wouldn't be so bad to be a chicken.
[Craig bends down to pet the chickens:] Hey, chickens! Hey! Hey! [leans into their cage wearing a helmet cam type thing. Shot inside the cage.] I'm one of you now. Yep. [Sitting inside their cage, he makes chicken noises.] Can I have some of your food? [Bends down his head like he's going to eat their food. Does it again. Text on screen: Lettuce slam!] [Crawling around in their cage] I speak their language now.
[Woman's voice:] That's it?
[Craig, about to climb out from their cage:] What... what... what else you gonna... what else can you do with a chicken?
[Woman's voice:] Eat it.
[Craig brings an ax down on a block of wood:] AAAAAAAA! [It falls over.] I knocked it over. Is that the goal?
[Matt:] I... I don't think so.
[Craig:] Here we go. Maybe I didn't scream loud enough. AAAAAAA! [brings ax down again. It gets stuck in the wood so when he lifts the ax, the block of wood comes with it.] Got it. Let's go. [Starts to walk. The block of wood falls. Brings ax down again on the wood. It splits apart.] Yeah! [grunts] I'm done! I won! I won City Farm! I'm outta here! [Runs up to a port-a-potty in the background, enters it.]
[Viewer plays the outro theme and winks (ding)]
I'd like to thank the guy I pay to be my frien.... I mean, my friend Matt who... for the camera holding and pointing and comedy during our City Farm trip. Thank you.
If you'd like to point out green technology in your area for GE's Tag Your Green go to facebook dot com slash ecomagination. If you're friendless and alone like me, you can do green stuff at home. Or even if you're not... I mean, being friendless is not a requirement to stay home.
There's also a link down there in the doobly-doo if you wanna learn more about City Farm. It's really awesome. Check it out. And I guess I'll put up a link to Shay Carl's roadtrip series. You can click on this Supernote trophy. [Holds up trophy, which has a clickable annotation over it.] Hehehehe. [notices the pillow on the floor] Is that a misplaced pillow over there? [His face turns red. Really really red.] Embarrassed.
singing rug, beardlovers, new couch, Supernote, clone, alligator pit, *shirt*, Craig quotes, wink, doobly-doo, turning red from embarrassment
A Farm in the City? on YouTube