A Family Affair

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"A Family Affair"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 454
2011
Original Upload date January 25, 2011
Running time 0:04:09
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro video game outro
Wink submitted by IdiotsUnited10
Great People
Guests: Dave Ackerman
Toby Turner
Coffee shop girl (heard not seen)
Episode chronology
← Previous
"Raiders of the Lost Sandwich"
Next →
"True Fist"

Video

Transcript

[slides in/singing rug. The singing rug is playing a jazzy tune.]
Hey beardlovers. I'm in Utah right now. You hear that? That was some classic Utah jazz. You know Utah's synonymous with jazz, right? Why do you think they have a basketball team called the Utah Jazz? I mean, think of all the jazz greats. You got Miles Davis, Louis Armstrong, Joseph Smith, Donny Osmond, Senator Orin Hatch, bears, yeah, bears love jazz. That's why the Utah Jazz made a bear their mascot.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So in the news today, the post office announced they're going to close two thousand locations. [sighs a couple of times in exasperation. growls. the jazz music starts again.] Ooh, sorry, was acting too much like a bear. Got a little jazzy in here. That's horrible news for people like me who use the throwing method. Now when I throw my letters [throws some letters], the chances of them actually hitting a post office are greatly reduced. Oh, I hit one that time.
Allow me to do a visual representation. If this is the amount of post offices we had [holds up a big ball thing] we now have this many [makes it smaller]. Well, this many. [expands it a little]. I'm glad to have been able to explain that to you in a way that could be understood in a visual manner. You're welcome.
So in other news... [sniffing air] ... I think the coffee might be done. [Runs to kitchen] Yeah! I love it when... [searching for coffee]... I love it when the coffee... [opens cabinets]... Oh I love it when... [opens more cabinets]... I love it when the coffee... I love it when the coffee's... I love it when the coffee's... [crawls inside a cabinet]... I love it when the coffee's... [crawl out the back of the cabinet he just crawled into] There's no coffee!
[stretches his arm. Through the living room and out the front door. Stretchy arm opens car door, turns keys in ignition. Shot of Craig in living room, stretching his arm. Stretchy arm steers the car. Shot of Craig stretching his arm. Stretchy arm in a parking lot. Opens a door. Reads a menu in a coffee shop.]
Looks pretty good.
[Stretchy arm poised above the counter in the coffee shop.]
[Coffee shop lady:] 3.70
[Stretchy arm's hand makes a fist which pounds the counter.]
No money!
[Craig takes some money out of his pocket and stretches his other arm with five dollars in its hand. Stretchy arm gets on a motorcycle. Rides motorcycle. Other stretchy arm taps the fingers of its hand on the counter. Stretchy arm arrives with five dollars, gives it to the coffee shop lady, who hands it a coffee cup. Stretchy arm with the coffee cup in parking lot. Encounters Toby Turner, who dodges the stretchy arm with the coffee and yells.]
[Toby:] Ahh! Coffee! Coffee hand!
[Craig, still stretching both arms:] Tobuscus, what are you doing here? Get out of my way!
[Toby, still ducking and dodging:] What sort of... ? What the magic? What the magic is this?
[Craig:] Out of my way! Out...
[Toby:] Caution! Hot!
[Craig finishes stretching his arms, brings the coffee cups to his lips with a great sigh. Takes a sip.] I love it when the coffee's done.
[sits down again in front of camera]
So in other news, Oprah recently revealed she has a long lost half-sister. Wow, that's bizarre. To find out that you have a long lost relative? That you didn't know about? I don't know what I would do in that situation. I would probably hate that person. I could...
[A man in a towel enters in the background. He speaks:] Hey... Craig? Sorry.
[Craig:] Oh this is... this is Dave. He's a... I'm staying with him and his roommates while I'm here.
[Dave:] I, uh, I think we're more than friends. [music starts playing] Man. I think we're brothers.
[Craig:] Why would you think that?
[Dave:] We're brothers, man!
[Craig:] No we're not.
[Dave:] Look at us! It's like looking in a mirror.
[Craig:] What? No we're not.
[Dave:] We're brothers.
[Craig:] No we're not. We're not brothers.
[Dave:] We're brothers.
[Craig:] We're not even anything alike.
[Dave:] Brothers.
[Craig:] We're not. No.
[Dave:] We are brothers.
[Craig:] Not at all.
[Dave:] We are brothers.
[Craig:] We couldn't be further from related.
[Dave:] We are brothers. We both have Dad's brown eyes. Dad... I miss him.
[Craig:] I guess we're both balding.
[Dave:] We're both between 5'6" and 6'4", standard deviation.
[Craig:] You do have a point.
[Dave:] Can I borrow 50 bucks? Got an e-mail from a guy in Ghana, sending me some diamonds. [Craig shakes his head] I'm gonna be rich.
[Craig, his head in his hands:] My family's so stupid.
[Dave:] My brother. [walks out of frame] Brothers!
[Snowball wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Dave is in the background again]
[Craig:] Hey, just want to let you know I'm in the latest Rhett and Link video. They play superheroes. I'm a super-villain. It's pretty cool. Check it out. Click the link right here. [Dave drops his towel as Craig points to the link which just happens to be strategically located so we can't see Dave's junk] [Craig turns and sees him] What are you... Put your clothes on!
[Dave:] Why, man? We're family. My body is your body.
[Craig:] That's not how family works.
[Dave:] You never took a shower with your brother before?
[Craig:] I've never had a brother. And I wouldn't shower with him, no.
[Dave:] You got one now.
[Craig plays with the expandable ball thing from earlier.]

Recurring elements

singing rug, beardlovers, headlines, stretchy arm, "I love it when the coffee's done!", wink, collab video

Related videos

The Rhett & Link video with Craig is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RTR31bqNuE

External links

A Family Affair on YouTube