[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Jumpin' George Clooney! I forgot something. [In the kitchen now] I forgot to start the coffee. How's it ever gonna get done? [opens coffee container] Cause I love it when the coffee's... [looks into the container. It's empty.] ... gone? [starts panting a little, zooms in camera, dun dun dun music] I hate it when the coffee's gone! Nooo... [shot of skyline] ... oooo ... [shot of skyline] ... oooo! What? You're not gonna hear me hovering in a helicopter above the Chicago skyline. No human can scream that loud. That's impossible.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[walking back towards camera from kitchen, very dejected] Life sucks. Life sucks. Life sucks. [flops down in his chair]
Why am I so tired? Oh that's right, the coffee's gone. [zooms in camera. dun dun dun music] I hate it when the coffee's gone! I already did this, didn't I? Why'd I forget? Oh that's because [shows Wikipedia page] according to the "health effects of coffee" Wikipedia page, coffee's been known to increase short term recall. [stares at camera for a few moments] [shows Wikipedia page] Coffee's been known to increase short term recall. Call. Increase. Did I say... did I say decrease? Increase.
[Craig's head drops as he falls asleep and snores. Alternate camera angle of him sleeping, snoring, waking up suddenly] Ow! [rubs chest] Ow! My gallbladder. [shows article] Coffee also reduces the risk of gallstone disease. [sees toy keyboard] Ooh. Pretty colors! [bangs keyboard] It also decreases your sensitivity to pretty color... No... It doesn't. I'm just weird. [looks back at main camera angle]
Wonder when the coffee's gonna be done. Oh that's right. It's gone. [goes to zoom in camera. dun dun dun music plays] I hate it when the coff... I already did that.
Did you know that coffee prevents constipation? And it's a diuretic, which means it makes you pee a lot. Guess I wasted time putting on my coffee diaper today. Take that off. [gets up] [Walks back into frame, zipping up his pants] Yep, there we go. [sits down] Oh. [shows Wikipedia page] Apparently it's not a diuretic. That's a myth. Hmm. [sound of water. Peeing. Craig looks down.] Uh oh. Apparently I just pee myself naturally. Shouldn't have taken off that diaper.
[turns slowly in his chair to the alternate camera angle] I did read about some negative sides to coffee. Pffft. As if they exist. Probably some Communist plot. Like coffee stains your teeth? That's just not true. [Smiles and laughs, revealing very darkly colored teeth] Sorry, I was just thinking about the movie Requiem for a Dream. You seen it? Hilarious. [turns back to main camera angle]
I also read that withdrawal can cause irritability. Psh. Yeah, right. [phone rings] Ooh, a phone call! [answers the phone, yelling] WHAT DO YOU WANT?! GOODBYE!
[A clone emerges from the kitchen: ] Hey, what's going on?
[Craig mimics him:] "Hey, what's going on?" GRR! Your words hurt my ears, clone! Go die!! Go die now, please! Go die! [Clone takes a gun out of his pocket as he walks away]
Oh *shirt* it's Free Bagel Friday. [sound of a gunshot]
[Craig's boss walks up to the bagels, grabs knife to cut the bagel. Craig walks up.]
[Craig:] Gimme that bagel.
[Craig's boss:] No.
[Craig:] Alright. [pulls his arm back to punch his boss, falls asleep, snores, falls onto the floor. In surprise, Craig's boss falls backwards, knocking over lots of stuff in the process.]
[Craig's boss, lying on floor:] Uhhhh.... What?
[Melody, the winker, starts to take a bite from a bagel.] Oh *shirt*! Hi Craig. Umm, no, these aren't bagels. These are, um... [holds up bagels to her eyes] these are my new glasses. [Winks (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
[slides in/singing rug] Hey beardlovers. Oh crap I forgot something. [slides in/singing rug] Hey beardlovers. Oh crap! I forgot something! [slides in/singing rug] Hey beardlovers. Oh crap! I forgot something! [slides in/singing rug] Hey beardlovers. Great Houdini! I forgot something. [slides in/singing rug] Hey beardlovers. Gary Coleman! I forgot something.
[head falls forward as he falls asleep/snores] [head falls forward as he falls asleep/snores] [head falls backwards as he falls asleep/snores] [head falls backwards as he falls asleep and snores]