[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. It's kinda dark in here. EXPLOSION! [Craig's lamp and light in the kitchen are aflame.] There we go. You should consider combustible lightbulbs. They're more energy-efficient because you're forced to take your battery out of your fire alarm.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[The lights are no longer aflame.]
So since the intro, my neighbor, who we'll call Captain Prissypants, smelled smoke and called the Fire Department, who came over and told me that they weren't sure that explosive lightbulbs were a thing and that I was likely using [makes air quotes] "illegal materials." And then they said some other stuff but I fell asleep 'cause I was so bored. [Text onscreen: *actually because of carbon monoxide from the illegal materials] Literally. Fell asleep standing up. They caught me and laid me down. I got a good nap out of it.
I dreamt that I was building a purple castle next to a bigger purple castle in a forest, but it kept EXPLODING!
By the way, you may have noticed a lot of explosions. That's because today's Explosion Wednesday, which is a thing that I'm trying out. We'll see if I make it permanent.
For those of you who didn't watch yesterday's video all the way to the end, which I don't blame you, I can't even watch a fireman all the way to the end, there is a contest involving the Sing 4 karaoke video game with a chance to win 10,000 dollars among other things. Info in the doobly-doo and a link to a video with me singing Rihanna in it.
But you don't have to do the contest if you don't want to. You can still be my beardlovers... [starts singing to the tune of 'Umbrella'] ... overs... overs... Wheeze! Wheeze! Wheeze! You can be his beardlovers... overs... overs... Wheeze... Wheeze.... Wheeze... You can be... [shakes himself out of it] Okay. In explosion news...
[shows article] Texas Rep. Ron Paul drops a BOMB
Oh, Ron! [waves his hand in front of his nose] Wait a second... Who wrote this article? [highlights author] Rebecca Stewart? Rebecca, I believe the one who smelt it in fact dealt it?
[reads from article] The 12-term congressman launched his 'Black This Out' moneyBOMB.
Oh, it was a moneybomb. Wait, they have those? I want one.
[Reads from article] Ron Paul raked in almost 3 million in small donations over the last five days.
How did he do that?
[Reads from article] Claiming he did not speak for 40 minutes during the Las Vegas debate. Anderson Cooper disputed Paul's claim, noting that his lapse in speaking didn't surpass 20 minutes.
Regardless, people gave him 3 million dollars for not speaking? [Craig sits silently for a few moments. Turns silently to another camera angle. Sighs. Then turns back to main camera angle, still not speaking. He has been silent for 13 seconds when he speaks again.] Hope that works. Send your money to one of the places mentioned in the doobly-doo.
In other news, you realize we're in the middle of a population EXPLOSION? We're about to hit 7 thousand. That's like seven times as many as a thousand!
Oh no. 7 billion. That number's too big to fathom. I'm not even gonna consider it a big deal.
[Reads from article] The world's population will reach 7 billion by October 31st.
That's Halloween! I hope the 7 billionth baby doesn't look like this. [Scary music with picture of a crazy-looking baby with subtitle on picture: I will devour your soul]
[Reads from article] And it could surpass 10 billion by 2082.
Better make that 9 billion [starts mumbling] 999 million 999 thousand 999 because I'll probably be dead by then. Didn't consider that, did you? [narrows eyes] Scientists.
Scientists are smart and stuff but only when they're thinkin' good. [These words appear beside him as he says them: Scientists are smart and stuff, but only when they're thinkin' good. -Craig Benzine]
So in 2082, I'll be dead. But I'm just one man or woman. What else can I do?
[A clone is behind Craig, doing chores.]
[Craig:] Clone, there's an overpopulation problem. What should we do?
[Clone:] Really? Oh no! I was afraid of this! [jumps into the alligator pit and calls out as he's falling:] I'm doing my part to save humanity! [We hear the alligator munching]
What else can I do? [looks like he has an idea]
[Craig is outside in the middle of the street. The camera shoots him from inside the apartment. He yells out:] Stop having so many babies! [Walks back towards his house.] There. [Slaps his hands together like he's washing his hands of that problem.]
[sits back down, still slapping his hands] Problem solved. Chafing my hands.
Less babies born and we'll all die off and everything'll be fine. Hehe. I'm just kidding. I can't die. [Dramatic zoom and dun dun dun music] Well, at least I haven't so far so I'm pretty sure I can't.
[Winker plays outro theme on a music box and winks (ding)]
[Craig makes a grossed-out face.] Oh Ron! [waves his hand in front of his face] Oh Ron! Oh Ron!
[singing] You can be his beardlovers... overs... overs... Wheeze... Wheeze... Wheeze... You can be... [shakes himself out of it] Okay.
singing rug, beardlovers, Explosion Wednesday, doobly-doo, song, headlines, Craig quotes, clone, alligator pit, wink, outtakes
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