[Wheezy rises up from below the frame, very close to the camera.]
Hi. [pause] Get ready to be depressed. It's Bad News Wednesday.
Remember yesterday when I talked about the stocks? [clip of yesterday's video, now in black and white:] Here's some good news for people who love good news. All three stock indexes were up today. Yay!
Well today they fell.
No, that's bad.
On Good News Day Tuesday stocks were up. On Bad News Wednesday stocks are down. Is the Wheezy Waiter schedule dictating the stock market?
Hey, here's some bad news. At work, i went into the bathroom and someone dropped their ... [clip from before:] Ah shit! ... in the toilet and didn't flush. Who would be that lazy or that proud of their excrement to do that? And I know those weren't just floaters left there after the flush. Because there was urine in it. But what's most disturbing is that toilet paper was absent. Oh, that reminds me. I just bought a small package of toilet paper. Time to go use it up. [Wheezy picks up a massive package of toilet paper, maybe 24 rolls.] I hope it's enough. [gets up and walks out of frame]
[wheezywaiter chips and salsa intro can be seen (but not heard) under a new intro that says 'Wheezy Waiter Takes On July... ...5 days a week...' over a calendar of July. Man Man's song "Van Helsing Boombox" plays over the intro.]
The bad news is I pollute the environment because I use air conditioning. But the good news is every time I film, I turn it off to get rid of the noise. [screen turns green] So Wheezy Waiter is green. [now kinda orange-red] And I'm going to make this quick because it's hot in here.
In the comments, Phil said, 600 Starbucks stores are closing. You could use that for Wednesday as bad news.
Thank you, Phil. You're right. [picture of article:] 600 Starbucks are closing.
That's bad news for those who are losing a job but it's good news in a couple of ways. When I waited tables in downtown Chicago, and someone asked me where a Starbucks was, I could point in any direction and it was about two blocks away. [Craig points forward and to his right. Next to him, a clone figures out how to point in the other two directions and looks very pleased with himself.] This saturated the market, and they were competing with themselves. Also I heard on the radio today that their stocks rose a little bit.
You see, that's what you do when something isn't going right. You get rid of part of it, which is why I'm getting rid of half of my apartment. [Half of the screen goes black.] This will allow more bandwith room so that the millions of you who log onto my website every day can get in easier.
In other news, our solar system has a dent in it. [Reading from article:] "Who knew? Solar system is 'dented,' not round." Aww man, [during this next part, pictures appear on the half of the screen that Craig is not in] first the world isn't flat, hen it's not the center of the universe, then it revolves around the sun, then the new Star Wars movies suck, then Britney's sister gets pregnant, then Pluto isn't a planet [picture of Pluto the animated character], and now our universe has a dent in it? [Picture of a campaign poster for Harvey Dent For District Attorney] What does that even mean? [Clip from before:] Ah shit! [On the black half of the screen, the word 'censored' appears.]
Here's some other bad news going on in my neighborhood. [same neighborhood footage as yesterday's video]
[footage of a car crossing the intersection] This car is putting carbon into the air and upping the cost of gasoline.
[opens a dumpster] This garbage and possibly babies were not reduced, reused, or recycled.
[shot of the Sears Tower] Sears began moving its offices out of the Sears Tower in 1993 and had completely vacated the building by 1995. Sucks to be you, Sears.
[shot of a building with an Advertise Here banner] This building desperately needs advertising. [zooms in on a shadow of a McDonalds sign against the side of the building] Not McMocking.
[shot of gas prices] This one's obvious.
Check back tomorrow for Thinkless Thursday. Hey Ashleigh, wink us home.
[Ashleigh, sitting at kitchen table, whips off her glasses and winks.] [wink (ding)]
[wheezywaiter dot com outro]
[Outtakes: Wheezy rises up from below the frame, very close to the camera.] Get ready to be depressed. It's Bad News Wednesday. [Can hear a woman's voice in the other room.] I'm... I'm recording. [sinks back down below frame]