[slides in/singing rug. Craig's not wearing clothing.]
Hey beardlovers. I wanted my 300th upload to be super special so I spent the last hour looking for the perfect outfit. [looks down] Whoops. No. I'm naked. That's inappropriate. Or is it? What did the cops say last time? You're under arrest for public nudity or you're under arrest for public stealing? I gotta stop performing two legally questionable acts at the same time. So confusing.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[He's wearing clothes now]
Guess what? I got a secret. You'll never guess. 300th upload! I already said that in the intro. This sweater's too linty.
[In a different shirt] You'll have to forgive me. I've kind of lost my voice, because... [Craig walking in the street. He stops in the middle of the street:] 300 uploads! 300 UPLOADS!
This shirt's too silly. Is this too silly? Yeah, it's serious time.
[In a different shirt] As I always say, if ideas aren't perfect, they're not worth doing. So I asked around to see what I should do for this episode.
First, I asked my whale. [He crouches by the whale tank] Hey whale, what should my 300th episode be about? [whale sounds] Ugh, I don't speak whale. Does someone out there speak whale? Could you tell me what he said? I'll put it in an annotation.
[Whale sounds] [Annotation on screen: "STFU and get me some bacon bits!!!" - srzgoalie2]
[crouched by whale tank] Oh! That's what you said. Interesting, whale.
[Looking at his shirt] This is too... purple.
[Now in a plaid shirt] Then I asked Michael Phelps.
[Michael Phelps laughs his stoner laugh. Craig, crouched by whale tank, shakes his head and puts his head in his hand.]
Why did I even try?
Followed by David Hasselhoff. [A bright light emanates from the whale tank along with angelic-sounding music. Craig, crouched by the whale tank, shields his eyes from the glow] Aaaaa! Aaaa! Stop it, Hasselhoff!
I can still see his shiny angelic body. Like a beacon from heaven.
[singing:] Oooh, Hasselhoff is a place on earth.
To all you griping commenters out there who are no doubt thinking, 'But he put human poison in his aquarium last week,' well, it's already been established that David Hasselhoff is an inhuman superbeing and it's implied that he might actually be heaven. What I didn't tell you is that Michael Phelps is wearing scuba gear. [Puts his hand up to the side of his mouth and wiggles his fingers] And let's just say that's not oxygen in his tank. [Puts his hand up to the side of his mouth again and wiggles his fingers as he speaks:] And let's just say that's marijuana in his tank. [Does it again:] And let's just not ever talk like this again.
This shirt's too Grizzly Adams.
[In a different shirt] I also asked Twitter for advice about my 300th upload. A lot of you said I should reference the movie 300. Well, [turns to alternate camera angle] 300 is a movie with lots of computer graphics that involves an army of 300 soldiers which directly correlates with the number of uploads I've had on YouTube. [He smiles. The audience laughs. The audience's laughter turns to jeers and boos. Turns back to main camera angle.] Got some mixed signals there. This shirt's too normal.
[In a different shirt] Also, paintnwood said what I should do. [Shows tweet] Something awesome!
Okay. Front flip! [Stands and starts a front flip. Camera shifts to a shot of the front flip labeled Wheezy POV. The camera flips.] Aww, didn't stick the landing.
LegendShark writes [shows tweet] Eat a car.
[Craig, outside in the street again, runs up to a car:] Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom.
[Back in his apartment, Craig burps.] Ooh. Now I need something to drink. I think the coffee's done. I love it when the coffee's done! I'm gonna spin 300 times in the air! [gets up and as he jumps into air to spin, shot changes to a shot labeled Wheezy POV. Craig lands in the kitchen.] 299, 300. Ohhh, oooh, a little bit dizzy. [Pours coffee. Takes a sip.] This shirt's too striped.
[In a different shirt and jacket] Hmm, yeah. I think that'll do. Got the wardrobe, got the ideas, I think we can start doing the video now. [Adjusts his chair so it's almost out of frame. Clears his throat. Slides in/singing rug] Hey beard... Oh! Time to go to work.
[Winker:] Ah, Wheezy Waiter. How you do make me laugh. [thought mic:] Oh wait. He has the thought microphone on. He's gonna know that I think he's an arrogant selfish jerk. I better give him a wink then. [Winks (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
[Shot of street from the window. Text on sreen: Holding my microphone, I met my landlord at the front door.] My door is open up there. Don't be confused. I'm coming back so...
[Landlord:] Okay, okay.
[Landlord:] Thanks Craig.
[Craig:] Thanks. Yep.
[Text on screen: awkward.]
singing rug, beardlovers, whale tank, comments, Michael Phelps, shiny David Hasselhoff, alternate camera angle, Twitter, laugh track, "I love it when the coffee's done!", wink, outtakes
300th on YouTube