100,000 Hugs

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"100,000 Hugs"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 339
2010
Original Upload date June 25, 2010
Running time 0:03:43
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro sunglasses outro
Wink submitted by MadMay7
Great People
Guests: Craig's dad (kind of)
Episode chronology
← Previous
"Sarcasm 101"
Next →
"My New-ish Episode of Truth or Fail"

Video

Transcript

[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. [spins around in his chair] Woo hoo!
[Another Craig slides in/singing rug:] Hey beard...
[Craig who spun around:] Oh.
[Craig who came in second:] Who are you?
[Craig who spun around:] I must have spun around too fast and traveled through time.
[Craig who came in second:] Idiot.
[Craig who spun around:] I'm not an idiot! [punches Craig who came in second]
[Craig who came in second:] Agh! Oww!
[Craig who spun around too fast grabs his cheek too:] Augh. Ahhh! Feels like I've been hit about ten seconds ago.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Don't worry, everybody. I took care of that problem. I killed my past self. Oh wait. [Starts to dematerialize] Oh no! Nooo! [Rematerializes] Just kidding. That was an editing trick. I actually killed my future self. Wait, that would cause a paradox.
If I killed my future self, that means when I go back in time, I'll get killed, and then I'll just be in an endless loop forever. But I didn't go back in time. So it didn't happen. But then why do I remember it?
I guess what probably happened was I destroyed the universe and then it recreated itself differently. So if you were, like, a president and now you're like a homeless person, sorry. My bad. But you don't remember anyways.
Still, why do I remember? Maybe it just takes a little bit of time to forget. Oh wait! Forgot! What just happened.
[Extreme closeup of Craig's nose and mouth:] Your mind is blown.
So yesterday a lot of you in the comments let me know that I misspoke about Australian prime minister Julia Gillard. You know, the first female prime minister of Australia? I said Australia elected her. Apparently I was wrong. I guess it's time for... [Many Craig voices say the name of this segment as Craig points to the wrong words as they appear one by one on screen as a title for this segment:] Wheezy Waiter is.... [The word "Stoopid!" appears onscreen but Craig interrupts]
Nope nope nope nope nope!
Technically, maybe perhaps Wheezy Waiter is not stupid.
Well, technically, yes, I am stupid. But maybe not because of this. Watch me argue my way out of this one... sort of.
Australia elected the Labor Party which was led by Kevin Rudd. [Picture of Paul Rudd] The Labor Party decided to replace Kevin Rudd so they elected Julia Gillard. [picture of Julia Roberts] Uh, that's actually Paul Rudd and Julia Roberts for you Americans out there. We don't like to look at stupid ugly politicians. We like to look at sexy sexy celebrities.
Carter [picture of Helena Bonham Carter]. Not Carter [picture of Jimmy Carter].
Bush [picture of the band Bush]. Not Bush [picture of George W. Bush]
Palin [picture of Palin as Miss Alaska]. Not Palin [recent picture of Palin].
You get the idea.
Anyway, whatever the elected government of a country does, you could say the country does.
My elected government decided to invade Iraq. Everyone says America invaded Iraq. I didn't invade Iraq. My dad didn't invade Iraq. Did you, Dad?
[Picture of Craig's dad with the text "Get drunk!' beneath the picture, accompanied by audio:] Get drunk!
[Craig looks confused.]
[Picture of Craig's dad with the text "Get drunk!' beneath the picture, accompanied by audio:] Get drunk!
Okay, good. You didn't invade Iraq.
The Australian party in power decided to elect Julia Gillard as their prime minister. Therefore, Australia elected Julia Gillard as their prime minister. Australians didn't. But Australia did. Which proves my more important point. I'm not stupid. In this particular instance. Maybe. If you buy into my logic.
It's your opinion, okay? I'm right.
That's the most I've ever thought about Australian politics. Except for that one time in the 80s when I thought about how awesome it would be if Crocodile Dundee were president. By in the 80s, I mean all the time.
[Text on screen: bad accent alert] [Craig holds up piece of paper on which is written: No Nukes] [speaks like Crocodile Dundee] That's not a nuclear arms non-proliferation treaty. [sticks knife through the paper] That's a nuclear arms non-proliferation treaty.
He'd do that about everything, and it'd be awesome.
No Free Bagel Friday again today. Sorry.
But it's not over!
So. I seem to have surpassed 100,000 subscribers on YouTube. That's a ridiculous amount of people. I didn't think numbers went higher than that. I guess now I can quit. Thanks guys. We won. We won YouTube. See ya later. [Gets up and walks away from camera] All done. [leaves the frame] [comes back after a few seconds. runs to camera] Oh my god, no, I'm not gonna quit. I got you!
I'm amazed that so many of you want to watch a weirdo doing weird things in his apartment. I'm just... aww, I got butterflies. I'm gonna give you all a hug. Right now. All of you. [gets up and hugs the camera] Hug!
I gave an extra hug to my favorite subscriber. Yep, it's you. [points to camera] You know who you are. Not you. [points a little to the left] You.
I look forward to continuing this conversation with you every weekday. Until I go completely nuts. Then we'll do two a day.
I love you. [pause] Oh, no I love you return. This is awkward. [leans out of frame]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
Julia Gilliard. Gillard. Gil... Gilbard. Gillard. I can't even say it anymore!
[Holding piece of paper that says "No Nukes" with a knife stuck through it.] That's a nuclear arms non-profir... That's a nuclear arms non-proliferation treaty. Proliferation.
[Tries stabbing the piece of paper with a knife. The knife doesn't go through the paper. Tries again. Tries again. Finally it works.]

Recurring elements

singing rug, beardlovers, time travel, Wheezy Waiter is Stupid, "get drunk!", wink, outtakes

External links

100,000 Hugs on YouTube